stressing.

HOW
DID
THAT
MAKE
YOU
FEEL
?

did you feel anything? Tell me, how can you look into my eyes and do that. and more importantly, how could you say that to me.

I wish I could have met him.

"I SEE MYSELF AS AN INTELLIGENT, SENSITIVE HUMAN BEING WITH THE SOUL OF A CLOWN WHICH FORCES ME TO BLOW IT AT THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS."- JIM MORRISON

Well....

What is it that I want exactly?
Do I want someone to hold me and comfort me? Or I just want someone to be there, to try and prove to myself that I'm not alone?
Sometimes I feel like its mostly that I want someone to be there because thats what I end up making it. I always mess things up. I hate to be that girl that says, " You don't want to like me" but I know if I were a guy I would not date me. I'm too....I don't know. Confusing. Unattachable. Scared. Independent. Cold hearted. Crazy. Just many, many things.

To you:
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I don't even have the decency to talk to you about whats going on in my mind.
I don't think you can handle me. Not because you're weak, but because I don't think anyone can really handle me. Let alone someone that wants to be with me. Part of me hopes you can handle me.

2011.

Dear God,

Please let this year come easier. My family could use a little break. We've all begun to feel a little insane. Please help us get through whatever will be thrown at us this year and to not give up. Let us experience more and do it responsibly.

Only we could do something that impulsive, crazy, and dumb and enjoy it. I love you, my "soulmate".

Present.

I just bought myself a couch at Goodwill today. It will be the only piece of furniture in my room. Bed & chill spot.

Get my nose pierced?

Only two days of work this week. Not sure what to do with all of that time.

Old bug for sale. Its in great shape. I've yet to ask them how much it is. I'm scared to know. Its a beauty.

Going to Hoover. Its decided.

Gained a few pounds. Healthier?

I want my body to feel better. Time to start running again. I want someone to go with me.

Dates :)

Staying with mom and Kenny for a couple days. Its nice.

Finished the book Crank. I think everyone should read it.

I'm going to build myself a stand. It will take time and focus. It will be good for me.

I'm so excited to make my room mine finally.

I need to start writing again. I've not touched my journals in forever.

Movies, flowers, music, out to eat, walking, guitar playing, singing.

I'm really trying to forgive myself. I think with you, it will be much easier.

I've got a cellphone now? Yep, I've come to the conclusion that they are pretty convenient.

Who will take me to a hippie fest?

Colors, colors, colors.

Bonding with dad. Cooking, watching movies.

dancing with gay guys. sleeping on couches. late night tv. flowers. ramen noodles & green tea. acceptance. weight changes. ilovemybrother. chit-chat coffee shop. concert downtown. tunnel vision. need to study. creating a new life. smoke is bad for you. people giving me their numbers. dresses. old friends. kennys girlfriend. 1960's. paint. old scent. just a phase. deep thought. discipline.

Doing it right.

I'm still not sure what the right thing is.
I do know that this time I'm not going to give up. And I'm not just going to go with what happens. I'm going to make plans and stick to them. And I'm not going to trick myself into thinking I can go against my own rules once in a while.
I'm done with everything being the way it was. Relationships, places, plans, the present, just everything.
Time for a change.