just felt like writing.

I got ready in 10 minutes. Just threw something on that was going to be easy to move in. A sweater and a loose knee-length skirt. Covered up the dark circles under my eyes. Messy hair.

First, it starts out with me being excited. The car ride there seemed like it took forever. Partially because I had to pee. I blame mom, and the medium coffee she bought me. I looked at my little cousin, all dressed up and ready to see her dad play with his band for the first time. I keep thinking about how she is becoming the age where she will start to realize that the world isn't so perfect. Some things she says tells me that she is already seeing some of it. I just want to hug her and tell her to never give up.
Inside of the building, I feel a little zoned. The guy collecting the 5 dollars from each of us looks and at me and says, " I assume you're under 21?" Ha. I watch everyone take pictures. I watch them and their silly poses. I go stand next to whoever they tell me to, so they can take pictures of us. I watch people light up cigarettes and drink. A fog machine is filling up the whole room. Different colored lights are everywhere. People in costumes.

I get closer to the stage. I'm anxious to feel it. The way the drums make my heart thump and my bones feel like they're shaking. I love that feeling. They start playing, and I let my body move whatever way it wants to. I yell as loud as I can. Later, my voice will sound strained. At one point, I lean against my grandmas shoulder, letting my body fall into her. I wonder what she thinks of me. My uncle brings me a piece of pizza, even though I said I didn't want one twice. I eat it in little pieces so my stomach doesn't get upset. My little cousin finally loosens up and starts moving a little bit. I watch her lean against her mom. I think about how lucky she is to have her dad. She doesn't realize that yet. People ask me the same questions:
"How are you?" "How old are you now?" "What grade are you in?"
"How is your mom and your brother?" "What classes are you taking?"
"What have you been up to?" "Do you still talk to ____?"
The answers are usually the same.

We get back to her house. I see my grandpa. Hes a great man. I've always thought so. If I ever get married one day, I hope it is to someone like him. He hugs me and asks me how I'm doing. Then he says, " You've been losing a lot of weight, girl. You look like your wasting away." I just laugh a little when he says that. I just think: no, I just look tired and weak.

shower wall. want. puke. rain. cuddling. leather. no more? aching body. rose. contacts. body not functioning properly. random bruises. black & mild. age 13. blind. need. compassion. soccer games. thursday nights? halloween party. old friends. bands. terrified. weekends. new people in my life. giving up. chicken broth. highlights. forgetful. kenny. cigarettes. goldfish. heart pounding. zoned out. running. diolated pupils. a.d.d.? time loss. trampoline. sleep medication. bus rides. alcohol. jackson football game.