strange.

Of course I had a dream about you last night.
In most of the dreams I have of you, I start to cry when I see you and I feel like its real.
Last night, you had a book of pictures in your house. They were of me, you, Kenny, and mom. I remember taking pictures of them and crying while doing it.
At the end of the dream, you left me and said, "I have to go get something for Kenny."

Ironic.

Left work.
I saw it coming at me.
I had time to think: I'm about to die now.
My body wasn't tense like you would expect it to be, but loose.
Then I was on the ground in the next lane.
My bike was under her car.
Stood up. In shock. I told the lady that hit me to back her car up off of my bike so I could leave. Thats what came out of my mouth. I'm not sure what was going through my mind.
Too much going on. I realize my bike, being my work transportation, will no longer be able to move. I hear some man talking on the phone to the cops. He asked me if I needed an ambulance. Thats when I decided to look and see if I was alright. Just a scraped up elbow, nothing big.
Kenny shows up next to me. I was still in shock. My body was shaking. Mom comes running down the street, no shoes on. She was crying. I kept telling her it was okay and that she needs to breathe.

Wow. It all went so fast. I could have died today. Lets do something crazy now.

The month of July.

Its the fourth year I've felt this in a row now.
Each day is getting closer to the end of this month.
It almost feels like the end of everything. Then it comes and I feel like I need to do something wild and crazy to keep it from my mind.
I was told to write you a letter. I can't get myself to do it. I can barely get myself to talk to you anymore. Especially now, when things in my life have drastically changed. Even though I feel like you somehow know about these things have changed in my life, Kennys, and moms, they are still hard to talk to you about.
As always, there is so much I want to say to you and so much I want to ask you.
I would trade anything to do either of those. I would give my life for one more day with you.
I don't mean for that to sound depressing or sad. It really has nothing to do with that.
Every day I think about how much I want these things. It seems like those feelings build up and get more intense every day.
I'm slowly changing my life right now. In a strange way, keeping you on my mind gives me hope of becoming that better person that I want to be.
I love you.

Baby brother.

I can never find a way to tell you exactly how much I love you. Hmmm....more than anyone, more than anything, even more than Hugh Laurie. :] Nobody will ever be able to replace you or even come close. You know things about me that some people don't know. I like that we only have really serious talks every once in a while, when needed. I think most of the time you understand whats going on without the serious talks we have anyway. Please remember to always have your own opinion of me, and not to listen to what other people say. You know me and except me for who I am, and that's all that matters. Always do what you think is right. You've seen a few people mess up their lives from making the wrong choices. Be the stronger person, live the way you want to, and be careful with where you choose to go in life. You'll do great things, I know it. You're Kenny.

Remember, I love you so much. Even if you throw food at me or laugh when I accidentally drink coffee with ants in it.

The beginning.

2 doctors appts. in a couple days.

went to see dad on impulse. he wasn't there. he called me back after a while. I've seen him a
couple times now. I'm hoping he wants to be in my new life.

list of odd things to do with Britany. keeping us occupied.

stress at home. trying hard to not give up. i love my family.

Alex taught me how to skip rocks. He gave me permission to call him my "step brother".

Sometime soon we will be moving in with Jason and Alex. I'm more excited than anything. I know it wont be easy, but I think it will be good for all of us. I will most likely be changing schools. Mom says it will be a good "fresh start".

yard sale soon. Britanys graduation. nose pierced. doing things off of our list.

you. you're out of my life because you want to be. you were one of the people that never gave up on me, until now. thats something I will have to deal with. I hope you're doing well.

I want to change myself. On the inside, and the outside. I'm working on both, but not as hard as I could be. I want to prove to them and to myself that I can do it.

trying to do more with my brother. I was so blind before. I'm going to make it better now.

ldfuasd;gh

breaking me down. mom & kenny. impulsive decision to go see dad. "Do you always think bad things about yourself?" glow sticks. away. new meaning. crying. life. hospital. moments of clarity. trust. chris. becoming healthy. feeling. prom. cleaning up the house, cleaning up my life. our list. meetings. seperation.

I know that I could sit around and try to come up with reasons why. I would just end up with my thoughts going in circles.
I've tried to think of ways to slowly move my life in the other direction. Its hard, and I need more motivation. You'd think that being better for my family would be enough, but it isn't. I've realized that I also have to love myself. Thats going to take some time. I'm not sure I've ever really loved myself.
For now, the rest of the world is out of focus to me. I need to focus on myself and the people I love.
I need to make this better.
I will make this better.
I need to stay strong.

I need new in my life.

4-28 to 5-4
This is me. Its what I'm left with, just me. I had no choice but to think about the person I am. No choice but to think about what I've never dealt with and what I've done to my family.
I thought about all of the life changing choices I have to make.

Now.
Everything around me is clearing up slowly.
I'm starting to realize that I've missed this.

I wish I could say that I'm all better and that my family is back together.
But I know it will take quite a bit of time.
I'm trying to stay positive, but its hard right now.