I love just sitting around with people and talking about everything. Anything that comes to your mind. Life. People. Love. Religion.
Tonight I talked to someone about so many things. Just two people, being completely honest with each other and sharing opinions on things. We talked for almost two hours.
He said, " You're thoughtful, honest, and have a lot of fear." He said a few other things, but I can't remember. As soon as he said fear, my mouth dropped open. Hes right. And I've never had anyone say that to me. He also told me I should be a psychologist , which is strange, because that is exactly what I want to be.
Hurt. Trust. Mistakes. Lessons. We talked about all of these. We were talking about relationships in general. Then he looked at me, straight into my eyes and asked, "who hurt you?" I asked if he was talking about guys. He said yes. That got me thinking back a lot. Nobody has ever really hurt me. I mean, not anybody I dated. Sure, people I've dated hurt me, but nothing to extreme. Its only been people I was really close to. People I loved and trusted.

Fear. Wow. It took me a while to admit to myself that I was actually scared. Last year I realized that more than ever. I used to think that if I showed no emotion, I had none, and nobody could hurt me. I got so used to that. Then all of the sudden, I had to feel things. I was forced to. I'm not saying thats a bad thing. But it was really difficult. And nobody could understand how hard that was, except me. That was frustrating.
Anyway, this "cool dude" talked about friends. He said, "When your my age and still have a couple of friends you grew up with, consider yourself lucky." I understand that already. I've had people come in and out of my life, just like everyone else. And I know there are going to be many more friends to leave me. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that.

Brand new.

I'm done with this. I'm not going to keep telling myself I'm not good enough. I'm not going to keep putting myself down. I deserve to be happy. I do. I know I do.
I'm going to fix this. I'm not going to hold myself back anymore. And I'm letting go of anything thats going to stop me from doing that.
I'm going to live and be happy doing it.

I went outside to scream today.

Finally fell asleep at 5am.
Kept waking up.
Bad dream.
Mom made me get up before she left this morning at 11am.
Got change, went to the gas station to get coffee in my pajamas.
Sat outside gas station. Thinking.
Went to the park to swing. Thinking.
Walked to the empty baseball field.
There I screamed loud and long. Crying.
Walked back home.

6 months.

I've tried to think of a way to explain to you how you've made me feel. And how you've changed me. So here it goes...

I've let you in.
I've trusted you enough to share my deepest scars. My heart is vulnerable. You could easily hurt me if you wanted to. But I trust you not to.
I have made myself become used to pushing people away. It was easier than letting them in. They couldn't hurt me that way. I didn't realize that when I was pushing people I loved away from me, that it was actually hurting me more.
Then you came along. Sure, I've known you since 7th grade. But I never fully let you in until this year. I decided that you're worth the risk. :)
I don't regret anything about us.
I try hard to keep this relationship right. We talk about things. Not many people can do that. I don't lie to you. We trust eachother. That is one of the most important things.
I hear so many people complaining about their boyfriends or girlfriends. I just smile and remember that I have nothing to complain about.
I can't even begin to tell you how perfect you are for me.
Nobody else can have me. I am yours. I love you Alex Doyle.

Fathers Day

I used to be one of those kids that didn't think very much about Fathers Day. It was just another day, except you get dad a card and a gift. You're saying thank you for all of the things your father has done for you.
At 14, my whole thought process changed.
Now I know how lucky kids are to have their fathers. Some kids don't think its a big deal, just like I used to. But it is. It really is.
I do have a point to writing this. My point is...always make sure your parents know how much you love them. Fathers Day is a big deal. So is Mothers Day.

I always tell my mother I love her. Even if I'm mad at her. I hug her before I leave the house. I tell her I love her before I go to sleep. I hold my moms hand when we are out somewhere. I spend time with her. I say thank you. I tell her I'm sorry when I know I've done something wrong. I make sure she knows I love her. I tell her when I really appreciate something she has done.
Why? Because I know that I could lose her at any time, any day. I want everyone to realize that.
I wish I could make people realize that.
What if one of your parents died today? What would you want to change about the past?

Remember this:
There isn't much that is unforgivable. Your parents are going to make you angry. And your going to make them angry. Don't waste your time staying angry at them. You never know when they will leave you forever.

Everyone has a story.

There is always something bad that happens in everyones life. That is life. You just have to know how to deal with it. Some people can't handle it. They feel like they can't live with what has happened to them. Thats the biggest reason there are drug addicts and alcoholics. They use to drown out those feelings or memories.

There are things that have happened in my life that are hard to talk about and think about. I'm not one of those people that go out and tell everyone my story. It doesn't change that fact that it has happened if I tell everyone. Its just something I have to deal with. Its made me who I am.

I'm trying to let go. I'm always hearing about how life is difficult and you just have to stay strong. Of course older people tell me that. I'm 17. I'm just starting to live. What I do now is going to affect the rest of my life. Something bad is always going to happen. I can't forget about my past, thats impossible. So I have to move on. Its extremely difficult. I'm not even sure how to do it.

I need to start over. And I need help doing it. I used to be so stubborn. I thought I could do everything on my own. Heal on my own. I didn't need anyones help. But I do. And I know that now.

First I need to forgive some people. I've even thought about going to see one person. I haven't actually spoken to him in...wow, 5 years. I still don't care much for him, and I never will. But I think I need to see him and tell him that I forgive him. Not for him, but for myself. I need to see a few other people and tell them that too.

I also need to accept something. Accept what has happened. "Don't worry about something you can't change or control"

Something else I need to do is forgive myself. Thats too personal to write about though.

What if?

I was in a car accident on Wednesday the 17th. I was in the car with my grandparents and my ten year old cousin. Some older lady hit us from behind going the full speed limit (40 mph). At first I was mad at the lady because she could have really hurt my little cousin. Accidents happen though. We all ended up going to the hospital. They strapped us all on boards and put neck braces on us. My cousin was in the same ambulance with me. She was crying and was upset, which was expected. She had never been in a car accident, and neither had I. All of us had neck pain. My grandma and I had X-rays done. They ended up being fine. We all got prescribed pain medication.

The next day, I had thrown up four times. Mom took me to a different hospital. I had a CT scan done. Nothing was wrong. He told us that I had a trauma headache and vertigo. Vertigo makes you unable to balance. It is caused by whiplash. So I got prescribed a different medication and was sent home.

Everything happens for a reason, right? This accident could have been much worse and any of us could have died. For me, this accident reminded me that anyone I know could die any day. Any time. That is one of the scariest things. As mom was driving me home from the hospital the day of the accident, it hit me then. I could have died today. That night, I prayed for the first time in a long time.

Thank you for keeping us all safe today. Thank you for watching over us. Thank you for leaving my brother with a sister and my mother with a daughter.