gujg';oikujy

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Why.Why.Why.Why.What if. What if.

I never get an answer.

People always say,"well, its the past now. Move on."
It's always there. It's part of you. It's who you are. Sometimes I think we can all move on from it. We will be alright. Will we? There is always something to remind you of it. It could be a nephew, a brother, a sister, a mom, a picture, a gift, a word, a smell, a look, a sound, a movie, a place, a car, a song, letters, a name, a touch, a cousin, a phrase, someones family. Then there are always these things that remind you. The first kiss, puberty, the first heartbreak, the first love, the first school dance, the first underage hangover, the eighteenth birthdays, the graduation, the twenty-first birthdays, the wedding, the grandchildren. Then there is Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, New Years, the fourth of July. Then there is the present. When you cry, you want them to be there to hold you and to tell you everything will be alright. When you want advice, there is no way you can get it. When there are questions you need answers to, there is no way to get them. When there are things that you need to say, there is no way to say them. I would give anything to take back some of the things that have happened to me and my family.
"Its the past now, move on." Its really not that easy. Like I said, it makes you who you are.
It bugs me when people say "move on" like its so easy. And I don't like when people say they "understand". It doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes, depending on the person, it actually upsets me. No matter what, you don't understand. Even if you've been in a similar situation, every situation is different. And people deal with their situations in different ways.
This is only part of what I wanted to write about the past being part of you. I don't want to write about it on here because its too personal. So thats all now.

it will be fine.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15.

It will be fine.

wine bottles. fluffy pink hat. dad. regret. candles. bath robe. guilt. sister. crying. skaking. you. bubble bath. alone. incense. crushed. what is "family" to you? nephews. disbelief. failure. sleepy time tea. cold washcloth. smeared makeup. thank you mom. bonding. trying to comfort this person. loss of motivation. pills. mini glass coke bottles. hiding. attraction. hard to breathe. lost friends. lost keys. the unknown. comfort. pool. appreciation. swollen eyes. who needs clothes? glow in the dark. intense selfishness. uncomfortable. mistakes & decisions. mistakes & decisions together. I don't know. barefoot on stage. michael jackson. I am sorry. dizziness. sex. vitamin water. heavy head. ap psychology. asians. hair extensions. kindness. wobbling limbs. weight loss. time loss. self loss. true friends. bagels. bra size. them hugging me. losing a parent. losing a friend. we're not alone. dreams. fuck it.

I cry for you.

I cry for you. For the things you don't know. For the things you have seen. For the things you cannot remember. For when you have your first love. For the hard decisions you will have to make. For the heartbreak you will feel. For the time you first take a drink. For the times you may just want to give up. For what you may experience. For the pain I have caused you. For who you have lost and who you will lose. For the nightmares you will have. For when you feel like you've lost yourself. For when you feel alone. For the guilt I hope you never feel.

I cry for you. For the things you have done. For what you have been through. For the worry you feel. For your inside struggle. For what you don't know. For what you will see. For what you have felt. For the tears you have cried. For the love you have lost. For the pain that I have caused you. For the time you have lost.

I cry for you. For the things you won't see. For what you can't touch. For the words you can't hear. For what you have been through. For the things you have done. For the steps that you took. For what I've done to you. For when you felt abandoned. For the ones you have lost. For the time you don't have. For the sickness you've felt. For when you felt lost.

Hey, You.

I've learned to really like this song :).

Thank you for being so amazing. For listening, and for being so honest. You were there when I needed to vent and get my thoughts straight. You and my mother were the only ones I felt like I could talk these last couple of months. Thank you for not treating me differently after you knew more about me. You didn't judge me. All you did was care.

November 1st, 2009.

November 1st. Wow.
So much has changed in the last three years. People around me have changed. Relationships with people have changed. I've changed.
I wish you could see us now. He looks more and more like you and hes so grown now. She is still just as beautiful as she always was. I still look like a little girl but I've changed a lot on the inside.
I'm always wondering what you would say to me. I know that when mom tries to give me advice sometimes I don't always want to listen or don't agree with her. But I also know that I'm lucky I have her here to give me that advice. I know how much I'd like you to give me advice.
Happy Birthday. I love you.

just felt like writing.

I got ready in 10 minutes. Just threw something on that was going to be easy to move in. A sweater and a loose knee-length skirt. Covered up the dark circles under my eyes. Messy hair.

First, it starts out with me being excited. The car ride there seemed like it took forever. Partially because I had to pee. I blame mom, and the medium coffee she bought me. I looked at my little cousin, all dressed up and ready to see her dad play with his band for the first time. I keep thinking about how she is becoming the age where she will start to realize that the world isn't so perfect. Some things she says tells me that she is already seeing some of it. I just want to hug her and tell her to never give up.
Inside of the building, I feel a little zoned. The guy collecting the 5 dollars from each of us looks and at me and says, " I assume you're under 21?" Ha. I watch everyone take pictures. I watch them and their silly poses. I go stand next to whoever they tell me to, so they can take pictures of us. I watch people light up cigarettes and drink. A fog machine is filling up the whole room. Different colored lights are everywhere. People in costumes.

I get closer to the stage. I'm anxious to feel it. The way the drums make my heart thump and my bones feel like they're shaking. I love that feeling. They start playing, and I let my body move whatever way it wants to. I yell as loud as I can. Later, my voice will sound strained. At one point, I lean against my grandmas shoulder, letting my body fall into her. I wonder what she thinks of me. My uncle brings me a piece of pizza, even though I said I didn't want one twice. I eat it in little pieces so my stomach doesn't get upset. My little cousin finally loosens up and starts moving a little bit. I watch her lean against her mom. I think about how lucky she is to have her dad. She doesn't realize that yet. People ask me the same questions:
"How are you?" "How old are you now?" "What grade are you in?"
"How is your mom and your brother?" "What classes are you taking?"
"What have you been up to?" "Do you still talk to ____?"
The answers are usually the same.

We get back to her house. I see my grandpa. Hes a great man. I've always thought so. If I ever get married one day, I hope it is to someone like him. He hugs me and asks me how I'm doing. Then he says, " You've been losing a lot of weight, girl. You look like your wasting away." I just laugh a little when he says that. I just think: no, I just look tired and weak.

shower wall. want. puke. rain. cuddling. leather. no more? aching body. rose. contacts. body not functioning properly. random bruises. black & mild. age 13. blind. need. compassion. soccer games. thursday nights? halloween party. old friends. bands. terrified. weekends. new people in my life. giving up. chicken broth. highlights. forgetful. kenny. cigarettes. goldfish. heart pounding. zoned out. running. diolated pupils. a.d.d.? time loss. trampoline. sleep medication. bus rides. alcohol. jackson football game.

My beautiful mother.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I think I don't know right from wrong. Or maybe I do know, but I just don't care. I'm not sure.

Mom was right, you do change. And I know she will be right about so many other things in the future. I'm so lucky I have her. I don't think she knows how much she helps me, even with the little things she does. She sings to me at night when I ask her to. She rubs my tummy when I don't feel well. She will buy me cute little things and put them in my room for me to find. She writes me little notes. She plays with my hair to comfort me. She will lay in bed with me when I want her to just be there. She really listens to me. She remembers almost everything I say. When she hugs me when I'm upset, I feel like I can breathe again.

Sometimes I do or say things that I'm not proud of. That usually has to do with my mom. And there are some times when I don't appreciate things she does for me. You hurt the ones you love, right? I don't tell her how much I appreciate her enough. She is my best friend, and I love her so much.