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shutdown. blurred. paranoia. plaid shirt. cold, shaking body. gay guy. jolynn, chase, lee, brandon, pat. sweat pants. weed. green hat. massillon. hip bones. no makeup. curve cologne. alcohol. ive lost you. soaked pants. pills. teddy bear. shoulder blades. chris koon. shower head. shower wall. sick. blonde hair. stephen. cigarettes. hidden marks. black colored eyes. wobbling. hollow. i wish you were here. soar lips. ripped pants. naked body. puke. cleaning. dark circles. hair extensions. hugh laurie. help you. help us. hair rollers. bubble bath. new year. im sorry. pictures. tired of being tired. 18 years old. canton. cheek bones. new meaning. little boy. make me pretty. hoodies. tattoo. goodwill. new years parties. pretend. smooth skin. phone numbers. trapped. real dates. sister. fair skin. destruction. curly hair. old age. roadtrip. nailpolish. just stop. watering eyes. many little dogs. light headed. desire. messed up hair. bad chills. nightmares. chest bones. coffee thermos. facial hair. shows. no family. paint. numb. not deserving.

The truth is...

clean, clean, clean, workout, keep moving.
mom, Kenny, & I. We're falling apart.
I didn't even know you.
weight loss.
Jason. Not only do I know that you're good to my mom, I think you are good for her. I respect you.
You make me sick. I make me sick.
Izzy. I love her. Shes my baby. Always will be.
The smell of cigarettes & alcohol.
I'm so sorry.
Christmas. wasn't excited. Thankful for the gifts. Dad didn't call me. Even though I didn't expect him to, it doesn't hurt any less.
nightmare. I swear I could feel it.
no peaceful sleep.
I'm terrified.
Uncontrollable puke.
18 in fourteen days. No feelings toward it. No plans.
"Its only ____ o'clock? It needs to go faster so I can go to bed and then tomorrow can go away faster."
many new people.
There is only one single thing that attracted me to you. I know its not right.
Every day, for the past month, I've been nothing but sick to my stomach.
Dad, Jenn, Taylor. I hope you're all happy. I am done with him.
Mom and I had a talk. Everything she said was true.
Kenny. So many thoughts have been going through my mind.
Numb.
chest pains.
regret.
Impulsive plans.
old friends. Jackson people.

I love you:
Mom
Kenny
Dad
Aunt Denise
The babies: Caleb, Ryan, Brendan.
Donavon Crites
Marsha Duff
Ryan Snyder
Aaron Williams
Mason May
Nicole Lucas
Nick D'Antonio

Many mistakes.
So much has happened. I don't know where to start. I've held a lot in. Now other things happened on top of it, and are still happening. I'm so exhausted. Something needs to change.
fresh memories.
disgusted.
I've lost myself.
I feel like I'm in a dream and can't wake up. Time just keeps passing, but everything stays the same.

gujg';oikujy

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27.


Why.Why.Why.Why.What if. What if.

I never get an answer.

People always say,"well, its the past now. Move on."
It's always there. It's part of you. It's who you are. Sometimes I think we can all move on from it. We will be alright. Will we? There is always something to remind you of it. It could be a nephew, a brother, a sister, a mom, a picture, a gift, a word, a smell, a look, a sound, a movie, a place, a car, a song, letters, a name, a touch, a cousin, a phrase, someones family. Then there are always these things that remind you. The first kiss, puberty, the first heartbreak, the first love, the first school dance, the first underage hangover, the eighteenth birthdays, the graduation, the twenty-first birthdays, the wedding, the grandchildren. Then there is Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, New Years, the fourth of July. Then there is the present. When you cry, you want them to be there to hold you and to tell you everything will be alright. When you want advice, there is no way you can get it. When there are questions you need answers to, there is no way to get them. When there are things that you need to say, there is no way to say them. I would give anything to take back some of the things that have happened to me and my family.
"Its the past now, move on." Its really not that easy. Like I said, it makes you who you are.
It bugs me when people say "move on" like its so easy. And I don't like when people say they "understand". It doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes, depending on the person, it actually upsets me. No matter what, you don't understand. Even if you've been in a similar situation, every situation is different. And people deal with their situations in different ways.
This is only part of what I wanted to write about the past being part of you. I don't want to write about it on here because its too personal. So thats all now.

it will be fine.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15.

It will be fine.

wine bottles. fluffy pink hat. dad. regret. candles. bath robe. guilt. sister. crying. skaking. you. bubble bath. alone. incense. crushed. what is "family" to you? nephews. disbelief. failure. sleepy time tea. cold washcloth. smeared makeup. thank you mom. bonding. trying to comfort this person. loss of motivation. pills. mini glass coke bottles. hiding. attraction. hard to breathe. lost friends. lost keys. the unknown. comfort. pool. appreciation. swollen eyes. who needs clothes? glow in the dark. intense selfishness. uncomfortable. mistakes & decisions. mistakes & decisions together. I don't know. barefoot on stage. michael jackson. I am sorry. dizziness. sex. vitamin water. heavy head. ap psychology. asians. hair extensions. kindness. wobbling limbs. weight loss. time loss. self loss. true friends. bagels. bra size. them hugging me. losing a parent. losing a friend. we're not alone. dreams. fuck it.

I cry for you.

I cry for you. For the things you don't know. For the things you have seen. For the things you cannot remember. For when you have your first love. For the hard decisions you will have to make. For the heartbreak you will feel. For the time you first take a drink. For the times you may just want to give up. For what you may experience. For the pain I have caused you. For who you have lost and who you will lose. For the nightmares you will have. For when you feel like you've lost yourself. For when you feel alone. For the guilt I hope you never feel.

I cry for you. For the things you have done. For what you have been through. For the worry you feel. For your inside struggle. For what you don't know. For what you will see. For what you have felt. For the tears you have cried. For the love you have lost. For the pain that I have caused you. For the time you have lost.

I cry for you. For the things you won't see. For what you can't touch. For the words you can't hear. For what you have been through. For the things you have done. For the steps that you took. For what I've done to you. For when you felt abandoned. For the ones you have lost. For the time you don't have. For the sickness you've felt. For when you felt lost.

Hey, You.

I've learned to really like this song :).

Thank you for being so amazing. For listening, and for being so honest. You were there when I needed to vent and get my thoughts straight. You and my mother were the only ones I felt like I could talk these last couple of months. Thank you for not treating me differently after you knew more about me. You didn't judge me. All you did was care.

November 1st, 2009.

November 1st. Wow.
So much has changed in the last three years. People around me have changed. Relationships with people have changed. I've changed.
I wish you could see us now. He looks more and more like you and hes so grown now. She is still just as beautiful as she always was. I still look like a little girl but I've changed a lot on the inside.
I'm always wondering what you would say to me. I know that when mom tries to give me advice sometimes I don't always want to listen or don't agree with her. But I also know that I'm lucky I have her here to give me that advice. I know how much I'd like you to give me advice.
Happy Birthday. I love you.