2011.

Dear God,

Please let this year come easier. My family could use a little break. We've all begun to feel a little insane. Please help us get through whatever will be thrown at us this year and to not give up. Let us experience more and do it responsibly.

Only we could do something that impulsive, crazy, and dumb and enjoy it. I love you, my "soulmate".

Present.

I just bought myself a couch at Goodwill today. It will be the only piece of furniture in my room. Bed & chill spot.

Get my nose pierced?

Only two days of work this week. Not sure what to do with all of that time.

Old bug for sale. Its in great shape. I've yet to ask them how much it is. I'm scared to know. Its a beauty.

Going to Hoover. Its decided.

Gained a few pounds. Healthier?

I want my body to feel better. Time to start running again. I want someone to go with me.

Dates :)

Staying with mom and Kenny for a couple days. Its nice.

Finished the book Crank. I think everyone should read it.

I'm going to build myself a stand. It will take time and focus. It will be good for me.

I'm so excited to make my room mine finally.

I need to start writing again. I've not touched my journals in forever.

Movies, flowers, music, out to eat, walking, guitar playing, singing.

I'm really trying to forgive myself. I think with you, it will be much easier.

I've got a cellphone now? Yep, I've come to the conclusion that they are pretty convenient.

Who will take me to a hippie fest?

Colors, colors, colors.

Bonding with dad. Cooking, watching movies.

dancing with gay guys. sleeping on couches. late night tv. flowers. ramen noodles & green tea. acceptance. weight changes. ilovemybrother. chit-chat coffee shop. concert downtown. tunnel vision. need to study. creating a new life. smoke is bad for you. people giving me their numbers. dresses. old friends. kennys girlfriend. 1960's. paint. old scent. just a phase. deep thought. discipline.

Doing it right.

I'm still not sure what the right thing is.
I do know that this time I'm not going to give up. And I'm not just going to go with what happens. I'm going to make plans and stick to them. And I'm not going to trick myself into thinking I can go against my own rules once in a while.
I'm done with everything being the way it was. Relationships, places, plans, the present, just everything.
Time for a change.

strange.

Of course I had a dream about you last night.
In most of the dreams I have of you, I start to cry when I see you and I feel like its real.
Last night, you had a book of pictures in your house. They were of me, you, Kenny, and mom. I remember taking pictures of them and crying while doing it.
At the end of the dream, you left me and said, "I have to go get something for Kenny."

Ironic.

Left work.
I saw it coming at me.
I had time to think: I'm about to die now.
My body wasn't tense like you would expect it to be, but loose.
Then I was on the ground in the next lane.
My bike was under her car.
Stood up. In shock. I told the lady that hit me to back her car up off of my bike so I could leave. Thats what came out of my mouth. I'm not sure what was going through my mind.
Too much going on. I realize my bike, being my work transportation, will no longer be able to move. I hear some man talking on the phone to the cops. He asked me if I needed an ambulance. Thats when I decided to look and see if I was alright. Just a scraped up elbow, nothing big.
Kenny shows up next to me. I was still in shock. My body was shaking. Mom comes running down the street, no shoes on. She was crying. I kept telling her it was okay and that she needs to breathe.

Wow. It all went so fast. I could have died today. Lets do something crazy now.

The month of July.

Its the fourth year I've felt this in a row now.
Each day is getting closer to the end of this month.
It almost feels like the end of everything. Then it comes and I feel like I need to do something wild and crazy to keep it from my mind.
I was told to write you a letter. I can't get myself to do it. I can barely get myself to talk to you anymore. Especially now, when things in my life have drastically changed. Even though I feel like you somehow know about these things have changed in my life, Kennys, and moms, they are still hard to talk to you about.
As always, there is so much I want to say to you and so much I want to ask you.
I would trade anything to do either of those. I would give my life for one more day with you.
I don't mean for that to sound depressing or sad. It really has nothing to do with that.
Every day I think about how much I want these things. It seems like those feelings build up and get more intense every day.
I'm slowly changing my life right now. In a strange way, keeping you on my mind gives me hope of becoming that better person that I want to be.
I love you.