2009.

Turning 17. First birthday home in 3 years.
Doyle. My best friend and the guy I dated for nine months.
Show at Peabodys.
Kenny turning 14.
Nina. Its sad the way things turned out.
Blurry nights.
Trampoline with two girls.
Pirogi's with Nina and Chloe. Loooots of butter.
Deals in Massillon.
Coloring those velvet pictures.
Pretty underwear.
Mom.
Strange houses.
First love.
All of us switching clothes.
Weed. A new world.
Dad (biological). On and off. On and off.
May Fiesta after party with Miranda, Kelsey, Michelle, and Aaron Floom.
Massive body aches the next day.
Making love.
Coming home late.
Almost getting kicked out of the movie theater.
Donavon.
Parties.
Chris living with us for a few weeks.
Climbing the trees by your grandmas house.
You telling me you loved me in person for the first time.
June 5th. I'll never forget it.
Stealing.
Comforting the new kid.
Foggy conversations.
Cigarettes.
You trying to have sex with me.
Frozen cookies.
Foggy card games.
Awkwardly sleeping next to you.
Realizing who you really are.
Strange new faces.
Vicodin.
Laughing until I cried.
Show in Carolton.
Your grandma showing me your baby pictures.
Emptying my stomach.
Painting my room with Doyle and Kenny.
Remembering old times with Nina, Austin, Doyle and I.
Paint on your necklace, on my shoes, in our hair, and on my bed.
Being the most pale I've ever been. I thought I was dying.
Ding dong ditching like a little kid.
Random conversation with your friend. Him: "Are you hot?" Me: "I don't know. Ask my cousin." Cousin: "Yeah. Shes hot. All of my friends think shes hot too."
Hating myself.
Empty pool.
Sleeping on your floor. You made me a bed out of blankets.
Leaning against the shower wall for balance.
Mason and Aaron. Ashtabula. way more than a 3 hour drive.
Drifting off in the driveway.
Finding out that sleeping in cars is ridiculous.
Calling you to tell you happy birthday.
Foggy drive back.
Getting into a car wreck. We could have died.
X-rays.
Coffee from dad.
Not being able to breathe. Having the worst pain I've ever felt. Ruptured ovarian sist.
Ambulance ride.
Them giving me oxygen.
Being given a drug stronger than morphine. "Its kind of like being high."
Wanting to touch the doctors bald head.
Singing Three Little Birds by Bob Marley.
IV.
Wanting to call you. You were the only one I wanted to talk to.
You ripping your pants....several times.
Meeting Jason.
Hanging out with Alex again.
Donavon getting his truck.
Movie theater.
Kenny's facial hair.
Feeling insecure about myself more than ever.
Moms birthday.
Going to Clays Park with Marsha.
Barrel in the water.
Walking to the park by your house. So many great times there.
Worrying that I'm not good enough for you.
You telling me you liked me.
Dancing like crazy.
Nasty guys flirting with me.
Losing my bathing suit bottoms.
Attempting to dive.
Your grandmas basement.
Izzy attacking Chris.
Doyle being grounded for a month.
Dying my hair.
Us drawing with chalk.
The mustang. We were creative.
Crying and hiding it.
Mothers day.
Meeting Donavons girlfriend Angel.
Loving your curly hair.
You giving me flowers.
Texts from dad.
Fighting with Kayla for the last time.
Wishing my dad could meet you.
You leaving your choir concert to be with me.
Girls bathroom.
Getting caught.
Opening up to you.
Feeling you everywhere thats within arms reach.
Visiting Aunt Denise.
Cleaning your grandmas van.
Jumping into the pool with my clothes on.
Being with Chris Rossi, Ben, Parker, Nick, Ian, Doug.
Not being able to watch movies with you around.
Creepy older guys.
Trying to make it work with Nina again.
Dance party at my house.
Michael Jackson.
Us in my room. The Doors was playing.
Missing those impulses you have. Nobody else understands my impulses.
Broken necklace.
You holding me while I cried in your grandmas basement.
Outside of the movie theater.
Walking to the gas station.
Feeling like I couldn't help mom.
Meeting your parents.
Going to your soccer game.
You putting my phone down your pants.
Your mom putting makeup on me.
Being half naked in your car.
Shopping at Goodwill.
Listening to Michael Jackson.
Sharing something with Grandma and Aunt Denise.
Kissing you for the first time.
Scarfing down nasty McDonalds food.
You driving me home.
Kenny and I. Our relationship changing.
Rossi Halloween party.
Me dressing up as a doll. You as a gay guy.
Watching you dance.
AA meetings.
No more AA meetings.
Breaking up with Doyle.
Loving you forever.
Homecoming. I felt strange.
Seeing Amber, Nick, and Ryan. Seeing Brendan for the first time.
Crying.
Crying.
Crying.
Crying at school for the first time.
Breaking up with Nick for the second time in a month.
Taking the boombox around neighborhoods.
Becoming closer to Nicole.
Dads birthday. He would be 38.
Your mom and I cheering for you at your game.
Us trying to make brownies.
You asking me if I was over Doyle. I said, " Honestly, I don't know." Right after that, you asked me out. I said yes thinking why not.
First time hanging out with Adam.
Meeting Nate.
You are thee craziest driver.
Helping you and your family move things out of your house.
Watching your little cousins.
All three of us in our underwear.
Eating Lucky Charms.
Taking pictures.
Me being the only one that didn't sleep.
Feeling sorry for you and your family.
Having more stress between mom and I than there ever has been.
Getting on the roof.
Crying while walking home.
Wondering how you're doing.
Losing my keys somewhere in North Canton.
Laughing until I cried.
Hanging out with Michelle.
Back room filled with smoke.
Going to Taco Bell with Nick and Ian.
Abandoned house.
Spin the bottle.
Falling over bruising my knee.
Whipped cream fight.
Looking at me through the vent while I peed.
Making a big mistake.
Marks.
Waking up the next morning.
Crying while you held me. You're a great friend.
Many many late nights.
Talking in a southern accent.
Losing control.
Missing you.
Mat Stats. Being around sweaty guys wearing spandex. Ha.
Realizing how much of a great guy you both are.
Smacking you in the face. Not out of anger, but out of hurt.
Searching for you in the dark when it was pouring rain.
Relating to you.
Truth or dare.
Hanging out with Britany and Jenny.
Gagging while eating. I could not help it.
Being attracted to you because of one thing.
Comparing underwear and bras.
Exchanging stories about sex.
Telling mom I don't know what I'm doing.
Watching you talk, but not hearing you.
Mason May coming home.
Chris leaving the state.
Forgetting to eat.
You making me sick. Literally.
Driving with Aaron, Mason and Lauren.
Meeting the most amazing gay guy, Luke.
27 year old mexican guy hitting on me.
People walking in.
Kissing Jolynn Peck.
Seeing Chase Conley and some other Jackson people.
Racing to get home.
Mom calling.
Gaining respect for Jason.
You smacking me.
Losing weight.
Kenny saying those things.
Police.
Mom finding them.
Shaking so bad its hard to stand.
Someone threatening to shoot up the school.
Not knowing what is wrong with you.
Finding out who made that threat.
One by one by one by one.
Seeing little dots everywhere.
Puke. Lots of it.
Wanting to talk to you.
Rushing into things.
Losing my family.
Having a huge talk with mom.
My family members, mom and Jason telling me I'm too thin.
Feeling more exhausted than I've ever been.
Trying to have a friendship with Nick again.
I realized I can't tell my mom everything. Maybe its better that way.
Not getting invited to my baby cousins second birthday.
Making up my mind about dad. I don't want anything to do with him.
New Years Eve. Crying alone in my room right after the ball dropped.

ldkfgusdn

shutdown. blurred. paranoia. plaid shirt. cold, shaking body. gay guy. jolynn, chase, lee, brandon, pat. sweat pants. weed. green hat. massillon. hip bones. no makeup. curve cologne. alcohol. ive lost you. soaked pants. pills. teddy bear. shoulder blades. chris koon. shower head. shower wall. sick. blonde hair. stephen. cigarettes. hidden marks. black colored eyes. wobbling. hollow. i wish you were here. soar lips. ripped pants. naked body. puke. cleaning. dark circles. hair extensions. hugh laurie. help you. help us. hair rollers. bubble bath. new year. im sorry. pictures. tired of being tired. 18 years old. canton. cheek bones. new meaning. little boy. make me pretty. hoodies. tattoo. goodwill. new years parties. pretend. smooth skin. phone numbers. trapped. real dates. sister. fair skin. destruction. curly hair. old age. roadtrip. nailpolish. just stop. watering eyes. many little dogs. light headed. desire. messed up hair. bad chills. nightmares. chest bones. coffee thermos. facial hair. shows. no family. paint. numb. not deserving.

The truth is...

clean, clean, clean, workout, keep moving.
mom, Kenny, & I. We're falling apart.
I didn't even know you.
weight loss.
Jason. Not only do I know that you're good to my mom, I think you are good for her. I respect you.
You make me sick. I make me sick.
Izzy. I love her. Shes my baby. Always will be.
The smell of cigarettes & alcohol.
I'm so sorry.
Christmas. wasn't excited. Thankful for the gifts. Dad didn't call me. Even though I didn't expect him to, it doesn't hurt any less.
nightmare. I swear I could feel it.
no peaceful sleep.
I'm terrified.
Uncontrollable puke.
18 in fourteen days. No feelings toward it. No plans.
"Its only ____ o'clock? It needs to go faster so I can go to bed and then tomorrow can go away faster."
many new people.
There is only one single thing that attracted me to you. I know its not right.
Every day, for the past month, I've been nothing but sick to my stomach.
Dad, Jenn, Taylor. I hope you're all happy. I am done with him.
Mom and I had a talk. Everything she said was true.
Kenny. So many thoughts have been going through my mind.
Numb.
chest pains.
regret.
Impulsive plans.
old friends. Jackson people.

I love you:
Mom
Kenny
Dad
Aunt Denise
The babies: Caleb, Ryan, Brendan.
Donavon Crites
Marsha Duff
Ryan Snyder
Aaron Williams
Mason May
Nicole Lucas
Nick D'Antonio

Many mistakes.
So much has happened. I don't know where to start. I've held a lot in. Now other things happened on top of it, and are still happening. I'm so exhausted. Something needs to change.
fresh memories.
disgusted.
I've lost myself.
I feel like I'm in a dream and can't wake up. Time just keeps passing, but everything stays the same.

gujg';oikujy

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27.


Why.Why.Why.Why.What if. What if.

I never get an answer.

People always say,"well, its the past now. Move on."
It's always there. It's part of you. It's who you are. Sometimes I think we can all move on from it. We will be alright. Will we? There is always something to remind you of it. It could be a nephew, a brother, a sister, a mom, a picture, a gift, a word, a smell, a look, a sound, a movie, a place, a car, a song, letters, a name, a touch, a cousin, a phrase, someones family. Then there are always these things that remind you. The first kiss, puberty, the first heartbreak, the first love, the first school dance, the first underage hangover, the eighteenth birthdays, the graduation, the twenty-first birthdays, the wedding, the grandchildren. Then there is Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, New Years, the fourth of July. Then there is the present. When you cry, you want them to be there to hold you and to tell you everything will be alright. When you want advice, there is no way you can get it. When there are questions you need answers to, there is no way to get them. When there are things that you need to say, there is no way to say them. I would give anything to take back some of the things that have happened to me and my family.
"Its the past now, move on." Its really not that easy. Like I said, it makes you who you are.
It bugs me when people say "move on" like its so easy. And I don't like when people say they "understand". It doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes, depending on the person, it actually upsets me. No matter what, you don't understand. Even if you've been in a similar situation, every situation is different. And people deal with their situations in different ways.
This is only part of what I wanted to write about the past being part of you. I don't want to write about it on here because its too personal. So thats all now.

it will be fine.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15.

It will be fine.

wine bottles. fluffy pink hat. dad. regret. candles. bath robe. guilt. sister. crying. skaking. you. bubble bath. alone. incense. crushed. what is "family" to you? nephews. disbelief. failure. sleepy time tea. cold washcloth. smeared makeup. thank you mom. bonding. trying to comfort this person. loss of motivation. pills. mini glass coke bottles. hiding. attraction. hard to breathe. lost friends. lost keys. the unknown. comfort. pool. appreciation. swollen eyes. who needs clothes? glow in the dark. intense selfishness. uncomfortable. mistakes & decisions. mistakes & decisions together. I don't know. barefoot on stage. michael jackson. I am sorry. dizziness. sex. vitamin water. heavy head. ap psychology. asians. hair extensions. kindness. wobbling limbs. weight loss. time loss. self loss. true friends. bagels. bra size. them hugging me. losing a parent. losing a friend. we're not alone. dreams. fuck it.

I cry for you.

I cry for you. For the things you don't know. For the things you have seen. For the things you cannot remember. For when you have your first love. For the hard decisions you will have to make. For the heartbreak you will feel. For the time you first take a drink. For the times you may just want to give up. For what you may experience. For the pain I have caused you. For who you have lost and who you will lose. For the nightmares you will have. For when you feel like you've lost yourself. For when you feel alone. For the guilt I hope you never feel.

I cry for you. For the things you have done. For what you have been through. For the worry you feel. For your inside struggle. For what you don't know. For what you will see. For what you have felt. For the tears you have cried. For the love you have lost. For the pain that I have caused you. For the time you have lost.

I cry for you. For the things you won't see. For what you can't touch. For the words you can't hear. For what you have been through. For the things you have done. For the steps that you took. For what I've done to you. For when you felt abandoned. For the ones you have lost. For the time you don't have. For the sickness you've felt. For when you felt lost.

Hey, You.

I've learned to really like this song :).

Thank you for being so amazing. For listening, and for being so honest. You were there when I needed to vent and get my thoughts straight. You and my mother were the only ones I felt like I could talk these last couple of months. Thank you for not treating me differently after you knew more about me. You didn't judge me. All you did was care.