appointment.

Pulling at my sweater, playing with my nails, playing with my hair, clearing my throat. Wrapping my arms around my stomach. Sick feeling.
My body was shaking and my voice kept giving out.
I didn't want to be there. I wanted to walk out.
Any personal question you can think of, he asked me.
Lump in my throat. Watering eyes.
"Do you ever have anxiety?" Yes.
"When?" Whenever people are talking about something personal (about me) and ______."
Telling myself: Don't puke, don't puke. Its almost over.
Set up appointments.
All done. I basically run out of there.
Waiting room. Old lady crying, another lady making chewing noises next to me, creepy guy staring at me. Sat in there for an hour and a half. So hungry that my stomach hurt. Wanting to puke but nothing would come up.
Sick, furious, exhausted.
I don't want to go back there.
At school. Out of it. Out of all people, thinking about you. Thinking about how I need you here, how I want you here, and how much you scare me.

Thoughts In Circles.

I'm so sorry.
Running my hands through my hair, it falls out.
Thinking, thinking, thinking of how we could have lost you too. "Do you want to be without a mother and a father?"
Heartbeat in my stomach.
Keep taking those deep breaths even though it hurts. Come on, don't give up.
Numb, but I know what I should have felt.
Stop it, don't cry.
Walk faster, move faster, don't stop. Dragging my body everywhere.
Don't give up too much information. Keep it locked up, only for you.
Feeling uncomfortable.
Run away, you're weak.
I wont allow it.
Bursts of intense feeling.
What you said rings in my head all of the time.
Go away.
Chest bones, hip bones, collar bone, ribs.
Uncontrollable zoning.
Puke.

Falling.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't focus on anything

but my heart racing, my throat hurting, and my eyes moving back and fourth while they're closed. Too hot, then too cold. Too silent, then too loud. I'm not going to be able to sleep again tonight. I wish I could tell you everything, just pour my heart out. I doubt it would help anything, but its always in the back of my mind. But honestly, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at the thought of opening my mouth and trying to speak. Where do I start? Where do I end?

The Man in the Glass- Unknown author.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he's with you clear to the end
And you've passed your most dangerous test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Bits and Pieces.

mall. meaning? dissapointment. tight grip. sleep deprived. leather jacket. post-it notes. tension. shock. doritos. buried. quitting. english paper. moms love. listening to the doors because it calms me down ad makes me happy. that ring. frustration, confusion, frustration, confusion. trying not to cry. not before, and not after. winter formal? trying to only think about the present. no sleep, but lots of energy, then no energy at all. "I love you and I'm just now coming to terms with it." <-- fuck you. taking care of Izzy when she is sick. glass bottle lamp. pale skin. experiences. voice giving out. vibrating chest & bones. blacklight. ecstasy. quonset hut guy. closing my eyes. metal, rock, techno. sticky floor and table. perverted men. him watching me, to protect me. dirty bathroom. uncle matt guarding me. blue liquid. loud screams. hearing about you. taco bell at 1am. dizziness. hearing more about you. donating blood. you scare me. piece of the broken necklace. two bandaged arms. doctors appointment. kennys birthday. distractions on purpose. will it fix itself? our talk. singing to an old song in the store. i wont say i hate you, but i have no probably with saying i really dislike you. barney colored nail polish. thank you for reminding me why i don't tell people anything. what is right and what is wrong? job. flashbacks, good and bad. i feel like i haven't had time to heal in a while. i'm so sorry. i'm not sure if its better to know exactly who you are or to not know who you are at all.

Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend that you called me on my 18th birthday, and that you didn't just put a card in my mailbox without knocking on the door.

If I'm not the one to call, we don't talk. I finally gave up on you. I told myself I wouldn't call you anymore. I waited for you to call me. The result: we haven't talked in months.

I didn't expect you to call, show up, or send me a card on my birthday. Well, at least I got a card, right? I wish you would have written more than: welcome to adulthood xoxo. But you can't get everything you want.

I don't know why I let you get to me. I allow myself to believe that maybe you will love me and want me in your life. Then reality hits me and I feel fragile. I guess I'm still like a little girl in that way.