life is crazy.

march 8th. "even though he is younger, he is more responsible." taking risks. carrolton with britany. "I love you." puke. sharing clothes. you make me feel like shit. child support. wanting to walk to massillon, just because. cousin chris. weight. your warm body. fighting with mom. sun tan. picnic in your yard. waking up. that bike ride. "___. ___, I'm so sorry. Please help me. I'm sorry. Please hold me. I'm so sorry. I love you, ___." (<-- thinking of you at such a strange time. I swear I felt you hold me.) what will it take for you to realize how selfish you are? thinking: leave a note, leave the key, leave. riding in cars. new people. car windows, house windows. trying to comfort you. sharing some personal things with britany. rooftops. racing heart. your arms. walking everywhere. four wheeling. not caring. dizziness. pictures. cuts and bruises. dissapearing. worrying about you. people and their comments. what is reality? puke. jail. that old drawing: mom, dad, kenny, and i. dozing off. please don't forget about me. eyes rolling. dogs barking. road trip. biological father, you've been on my mind a lot lately.

Confessions.

I've closed every open door to my emotions that I can't even write for myself.
I can't even look my mother in the eyes and explain the reasons to everything, because even I don't know.
I can't cry because I get mad at myself and feel pathetic.
I'm scared to let someone touch me because even I feel disgusted with myself.
I can't stand to sit in silence or be alone for too long because I start to think about things.
I feel like I'm becoming empty. Of thought, of emotions, of food.
I don't believe anyone actually wants to be with me.
I'm only going back to counseling because I want my mom to be happy.
I feel like giving up. Kenny. The only person in my life who keeps me from giving up.
I'm scared to death of having my memory of you fade away even more.
I keep trying to make myself feel alive but it isn't working.
I used to not let myself waste my time being upset about things. I can't help it now.
I won't even try to defend myself anymore.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
Biological father. My rollercoaster. I love you, I hate you. I want you to love me, I don't care what you think about me. I miss you, I don't care if I ever see you again.
I surround myself with people so its harder for me to feel alone.
I try to dress nice, do my hair, and wear makeup so I at least look better than I feel.
I tell myself that if I just "go with the flow", everything will fix itself at some point.
I open my mouth to talk but I always get too frustrated and change my mind.

I wont be writing for a while.

Barely any sleep.
Walking everywhere. Sore body, fragile body.
Him:"I'm going to watch her deny every guy that tries with her." <-- about me.
Being angry at you. Please don't dissapear. You don't know this, but I need you.
Everywhere but home.
Feeling like I'm not in my body.
Alice in Wonderland. --> "Look at those girls..."
Battle of the Bands. Mood swings.
You disgust me, I disgust me.
All of these people.
Trying not to give up.
Car rides.
Body changes.
Counseling at the end of this month.
and the appt. for meds.
Puke.
Tuesday- sleep testing.

appointment.

Pulling at my sweater, playing with my nails, playing with my hair, clearing my throat. Wrapping my arms around my stomach. Sick feeling.
My body was shaking and my voice kept giving out.
I didn't want to be there. I wanted to walk out.
Any personal question you can think of, he asked me.
Lump in my throat. Watering eyes.
"Do you ever have anxiety?" Yes.
"When?" Whenever people are talking about something personal (about me) and ______."
Telling myself: Don't puke, don't puke. Its almost over.
Set up appointments.
All done. I basically run out of there.
Waiting room. Old lady crying, another lady making chewing noises next to me, creepy guy staring at me. Sat in there for an hour and a half. So hungry that my stomach hurt. Wanting to puke but nothing would come up.
Sick, furious, exhausted.
I don't want to go back there.
At school. Out of it. Out of all people, thinking about you. Thinking about how I need you here, how I want you here, and how much you scare me.

Thoughts In Circles.

I'm so sorry.
Running my hands through my hair, it falls out.
Thinking, thinking, thinking of how we could have lost you too. "Do you want to be without a mother and a father?"
Heartbeat in my stomach.
Keep taking those deep breaths even though it hurts. Come on, don't give up.
Numb, but I know what I should have felt.
Stop it, don't cry.
Walk faster, move faster, don't stop. Dragging my body everywhere.
Don't give up too much information. Keep it locked up, only for you.
Feeling uncomfortable.
Run away, you're weak.
I wont allow it.
Bursts of intense feeling.
What you said rings in my head all of the time.
Go away.
Chest bones, hip bones, collar bone, ribs.
Uncontrollable zoning.
Puke.

Falling.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't focus on anything

but my heart racing, my throat hurting, and my eyes moving back and fourth while they're closed. Too hot, then too cold. Too silent, then too loud. I'm not going to be able to sleep again tonight. I wish I could tell you everything, just pour my heart out. I doubt it would help anything, but its always in the back of my mind. But honestly, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at the thought of opening my mouth and trying to speak. Where do I start? Where do I end?