Feeling.

last two days
I've never felt so alone. Completely alone. Lost.
no sleep friday. cleaned until saturday morning.
then something happened.
mom upset me. Then I started to cry. Something I haven't done in a while.
after I started crying, I couldn't stop. I literally cried for hours. that never happens to me.
i was getting mad at myself. each time I'd stop crying, i told myself I was done.
of course I cried again. by the end of the night, i felt like i cried everything out of me. i looked like it too.
i didn't know where I wanted to be. i didn't know what to do with myself.
i stared at my clock for hours. i had terrible thoughts going through my mind.
mom kept making me feel worse. i kept telling her to go away. at one point I told her that each time she said something I wanted to puke. i was done listening to her say anything.
In my mind, everything was over. I was done. I've never felt exactly like that before. not so intense.
couldn't find the tylenol pm pills that I've used a couple times to knock myself out.
"where are the tylenol sleeping pills?"
mom: "i put them up."
"give them to me, I need them."
Mom: "i'll give you one."
"no, give me the bottle so I can take them all."
she ended up throwing the bottle in my room later, telling me to go ahead and take them.
i didn't.
i called one person. let it ring twice, changed my mind, and hung up. called back. they weren't there. go figure.
saturday night.
i realized how hungry and sick i felt. i remembered i ate one thing since thursday night.
i go into the kitchen. as i open up ramen, it spilled out onto the floor.
i start to clean it up with a broom while crying.
mom comes in and asks me what im doing.
i told her i dropped it and I was cleaning it up.
she came over and took it from me, telling me she would do it.
i go into my room.
she came in a few minutes later asking me if i needed anything. she offered to go get me food or make me something. i shook my head no. then i said i'd go make pizza.
in the kitchen with mom. she helped me make pizza. i barely said anything because i didn't want to speak.
while eating, we watched tv. i can't even remember what it was.
i fell asleep on the chair.
i never want to feel like that again.

today.
im the same as i was on friday. nothing. numb. haven't cried at all.
everything is better this way.
i feel like yesterday didn't even happen. i don't know how it happened. i don't know why it happened. why cry like that all of the sudden?
today i thought: what if i had started to take the medicine i was prescribed to? She told me i would start to feel things again. is that what i would feel like? like that, whatever it was.