ldkfgusdn

shutdown. blurred. paranoia. plaid shirt. cold, shaking body. gay guy. jolynn, chase, lee, brandon, pat. sweat pants. weed. green hat. massillon. hip bones. no makeup. curve cologne. alcohol. ive lost you. soaked pants. pills. teddy bear. shoulder blades. chris koon. shower head. shower wall. sick. blonde hair. stephen. cigarettes. hidden marks. black colored eyes. wobbling. hollow. i wish you were here. soar lips. ripped pants. naked body. puke. cleaning. dark circles. hair extensions. hugh laurie. help you. help us. hair rollers. bubble bath. new year. im sorry. pictures. tired of being tired. 18 years old. canton. cheek bones. new meaning. little boy. make me pretty. hoodies. tattoo. goodwill. new years parties. pretend. smooth skin. phone numbers. trapped. real dates. sister. fair skin. destruction. curly hair. old age. roadtrip. nailpolish. just stop. watering eyes. many little dogs. light headed. desire. messed up hair. bad chills. nightmares. chest bones. coffee thermos. facial hair. shows. no family. paint. numb. not deserving.

The truth is...

clean, clean, clean, workout, keep moving.
mom, Kenny, & I. We're falling apart.
I didn't even know you.
weight loss.
Jason. Not only do I know that you're good to my mom, I think you are good for her. I respect you.
You make me sick. I make me sick.
Izzy. I love her. Shes my baby. Always will be.
The smell of cigarettes & alcohol.
I'm so sorry.
Christmas. wasn't excited. Thankful for the gifts. Dad didn't call me. Even though I didn't expect him to, it doesn't hurt any less.
nightmare. I swear I could feel it.
no peaceful sleep.
I'm terrified.
Uncontrollable puke.
18 in fourteen days. No feelings toward it. No plans.
"Its only ____ o'clock? It needs to go faster so I can go to bed and then tomorrow can go away faster."
many new people.
There is only one single thing that attracted me to you. I know its not right.
Every day, for the past month, I've been nothing but sick to my stomach.
Dad, Jenn, Taylor. I hope you're all happy. I am done with him.
Mom and I had a talk. Everything she said was true.
Kenny. So many thoughts have been going through my mind.
Numb.
chest pains.
regret.
Impulsive plans.
old friends. Jackson people.

I love you:
Mom
Kenny
Dad
Aunt Denise
The babies: Caleb, Ryan, Brendan.
Donavon Crites
Marsha Duff
Ryan Snyder
Aaron Williams
Mason May
Nicole Lucas
Nick D'Antonio

Many mistakes.
So much has happened. I don't know where to start. I've held a lot in. Now other things happened on top of it, and are still happening. I'm so exhausted. Something needs to change.
fresh memories.
disgusted.
I've lost myself.
I feel like I'm in a dream and can't wake up. Time just keeps passing, but everything stays the same.

gujg';oikujy

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27.


Why.Why.Why.Why.What if. What if.

I never get an answer.

People always say,"well, its the past now. Move on."
It's always there. It's part of you. It's who you are. Sometimes I think we can all move on from it. We will be alright. Will we? There is always something to remind you of it. It could be a nephew, a brother, a sister, a mom, a picture, a gift, a word, a smell, a look, a sound, a movie, a place, a car, a song, letters, a name, a touch, a cousin, a phrase, someones family. Then there are always these things that remind you. The first kiss, puberty, the first heartbreak, the first love, the first school dance, the first underage hangover, the eighteenth birthdays, the graduation, the twenty-first birthdays, the wedding, the grandchildren. Then there is Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, New Years, the fourth of July. Then there is the present. When you cry, you want them to be there to hold you and to tell you everything will be alright. When you want advice, there is no way you can get it. When there are questions you need answers to, there is no way to get them. When there are things that you need to say, there is no way to say them. I would give anything to take back some of the things that have happened to me and my family.
"Its the past now, move on." Its really not that easy. Like I said, it makes you who you are.
It bugs me when people say "move on" like its so easy. And I don't like when people say they "understand". It doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes, depending on the person, it actually upsets me. No matter what, you don't understand. Even if you've been in a similar situation, every situation is different. And people deal with their situations in different ways.
This is only part of what I wanted to write about the past being part of you. I don't want to write about it on here because its too personal. So thats all now.

it will be fine.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15.

It will be fine.

wine bottles. fluffy pink hat. dad. regret. candles. bath robe. guilt. sister. crying. skaking. you. bubble bath. alone. incense. crushed. what is "family" to you? nephews. disbelief. failure. sleepy time tea. cold washcloth. smeared makeup. thank you mom. bonding. trying to comfort this person. loss of motivation. pills. mini glass coke bottles. hiding. attraction. hard to breathe. lost friends. lost keys. the unknown. comfort. pool. appreciation. swollen eyes. who needs clothes? glow in the dark. intense selfishness. uncomfortable. mistakes & decisions. mistakes & decisions together. I don't know. barefoot on stage. michael jackson. I am sorry. dizziness. sex. vitamin water. heavy head. ap psychology. asians. hair extensions. kindness. wobbling limbs. weight loss. time loss. self loss. true friends. bagels. bra size. them hugging me. losing a parent. losing a friend. we're not alone. dreams. fuck it.

I cry for you.

I cry for you. For the things you don't know. For the things you have seen. For the things you cannot remember. For when you have your first love. For the hard decisions you will have to make. For the heartbreak you will feel. For the time you first take a drink. For the times you may just want to give up. For what you may experience. For the pain I have caused you. For who you have lost and who you will lose. For the nightmares you will have. For when you feel like you've lost yourself. For when you feel alone. For the guilt I hope you never feel.

I cry for you. For the things you have done. For what you have been through. For the worry you feel. For your inside struggle. For what you don't know. For what you will see. For what you have felt. For the tears you have cried. For the love you have lost. For the pain that I have caused you. For the time you have lost.

I cry for you. For the things you won't see. For what you can't touch. For the words you can't hear. For what you have been through. For the things you have done. For the steps that you took. For what I've done to you. For when you felt abandoned. For the ones you have lost. For the time you don't have. For the sickness you've felt. For when you felt lost.

Hey, You.

I've learned to really like this song :).

Thank you for being so amazing. For listening, and for being so honest. You were there when I needed to vent and get my thoughts straight. You and my mother were the only ones I felt like I could talk these last couple of months. Thank you for not treating me differently after you knew more about me. You didn't judge me. All you did was care.

November 1st, 2009.

November 1st. Wow.
So much has changed in the last three years. People around me have changed. Relationships with people have changed. I've changed.
I wish you could see us now. He looks more and more like you and hes so grown now. She is still just as beautiful as she always was. I still look like a little girl but I've changed a lot on the inside.
I'm always wondering what you would say to me. I know that when mom tries to give me advice sometimes I don't always want to listen or don't agree with her. But I also know that I'm lucky I have her here to give me that advice. I know how much I'd like you to give me advice.
Happy Birthday. I love you.

just felt like writing.

I got ready in 10 minutes. Just threw something on that was going to be easy to move in. A sweater and a loose knee-length skirt. Covered up the dark circles under my eyes. Messy hair.

First, it starts out with me being excited. The car ride there seemed like it took forever. Partially because I had to pee. I blame mom, and the medium coffee she bought me. I looked at my little cousin, all dressed up and ready to see her dad play with his band for the first time. I keep thinking about how she is becoming the age where she will start to realize that the world isn't so perfect. Some things she says tells me that she is already seeing some of it. I just want to hug her and tell her to never give up.
Inside of the building, I feel a little zoned. The guy collecting the 5 dollars from each of us looks and at me and says, " I assume you're under 21?" Ha. I watch everyone take pictures. I watch them and their silly poses. I go stand next to whoever they tell me to, so they can take pictures of us. I watch people light up cigarettes and drink. A fog machine is filling up the whole room. Different colored lights are everywhere. People in costumes.

I get closer to the stage. I'm anxious to feel it. The way the drums make my heart thump and my bones feel like they're shaking. I love that feeling. They start playing, and I let my body move whatever way it wants to. I yell as loud as I can. Later, my voice will sound strained. At one point, I lean against my grandmas shoulder, letting my body fall into her. I wonder what she thinks of me. My uncle brings me a piece of pizza, even though I said I didn't want one twice. I eat it in little pieces so my stomach doesn't get upset. My little cousin finally loosens up and starts moving a little bit. I watch her lean against her mom. I think about how lucky she is to have her dad. She doesn't realize that yet. People ask me the same questions:
"How are you?" "How old are you now?" "What grade are you in?"
"How is your mom and your brother?" "What classes are you taking?"
"What have you been up to?" "Do you still talk to ____?"
The answers are usually the same.

We get back to her house. I see my grandpa. Hes a great man. I've always thought so. If I ever get married one day, I hope it is to someone like him. He hugs me and asks me how I'm doing. Then he says, " You've been losing a lot of weight, girl. You look like your wasting away." I just laugh a little when he says that. I just think: no, I just look tired and weak.

shower wall. want. puke. rain. cuddling. leather. no more? aching body. rose. contacts. body not functioning properly. random bruises. black & mild. age 13. blind. need. compassion. soccer games. thursday nights? halloween party. old friends. bands. terrified. weekends. new people in my life. giving up. chicken broth. highlights. forgetful. kenny. cigarettes. goldfish. heart pounding. zoned out. running. diolated pupils. a.d.d.? time loss. trampoline. sleep medication. bus rides. alcohol. jackson football game.

My beautiful mother.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I think I don't know right from wrong. Or maybe I do know, but I just don't care. I'm not sure.

Mom was right, you do change. And I know she will be right about so many other things in the future. I'm so lucky I have her. I don't think she knows how much she helps me, even with the little things she does. She sings to me at night when I ask her to. She rubs my tummy when I don't feel well. She will buy me cute little things and put them in my room for me to find. She writes me little notes. She plays with my hair to comfort me. She will lay in bed with me when I want her to just be there. She really listens to me. She remembers almost everything I say. When she hugs me when I'm upset, I feel like I can breathe again.

Sometimes I do or say things that I'm not proud of. That usually has to do with my mom. And there are some times when I don't appreciate things she does for me. You hurt the ones you love, right? I don't tell her how much I appreciate her enough. She is my best friend, and I love her so much.

The only way I feel like writing at the moment.

mom's birthday. kenny k. long phone conversations. chinese food. dad. moulin rouge. homework. tears. hospital. exhausted. half-baked brownies. drunk drivers. sadness. long walks. reality check. pain medication. doyle. homecoming. homecoming? perfume. the doors. lost. IV. biological father. nick d. real dates. kelsey s. butterflies. rebellion. fascination. stomach pain. rings. planet art. unwanted. walmart isles. metallica. ovaries. dallas cowboys. love. heels. "lesbians.". falling poster. guilt. donavon c. bamboo. mess. naked. rain. candles, darkness & music. parties. moon walking. imperfections. zoning. hospital beds. appreciation. first love. dislike. journey. new york. izzy. suicide. court. money. tight grip. insense. underwear. fake. thank you. smell of energy drinks. disguist. mustang. signed pants. hair done. shaking. hips. el ricon. marsha d. fighting. drugs. leopard print. grandma. lies. grown men. puke. hemp. school bus. body, body, body. industrial. pills. scary sounds. parking lots. lips. pray? mullets. fragile. urges. quonset hut. swings. good role model? robe. black light. hope. carving pumkins. laughter. uncomfortable. library. colorful glass bottles. chris k. haunted houses. shows. body language. a.d.d.. insecurities. labels. ouch. hats. flowers. i'm sorry. skin color. issues. time. crush. terrified. fat. heart. goodwill. not matching. intense. nephew. chest pains. ketchup. forever. brother. alcohol. sandra bullock. vaccum. movies. breaking up. ryan s. singing everywhere. no bangs. book. his name was mike. missed calls. jealousy. tattoos. alone. ROAD TRIP?! skittles. cowboy boots. sleeping on floors. ponytails. tie-dye. do i? dinners. dark circles. kisses. michael jackson. motorcycle. mud. expression. memories. wet pants. destination. doyles hoodie. nicole l. blushing. hugs. more hugs. dress. hollow. ripped paper. dreamcatcher. denial. bob marley. lime chapstick. highlighter. no appetite. superman & batman costumes. the future. singing everywhere. relationships. curling iron. strange dreams. introductions. misunderstandings. fairies. boots. hidden. stuffed animals.

"I spent thousands of dollars raising her for three years." - I can't believe the things you say. Its like you don't hear yourself at all when you speak. I wonder how many people would turn on you if they really knew about you and what you are really like. I'm done with you. I give up. You're not worth hurting myself over.

"I wish things could be the way they were when we were little. Tag! You're it! Will you be my boyfriend?"- me

Jim Morrison

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear;after that, fear has no power and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free."

"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."

"I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments."

"I'm interested in anything about revolt, disorder, chaos, especially activity that appears to have no meaning. It seems to me to be the road to freedom."

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask."

Marilyn Monroe

"Dogs never bite me, just humans."

"The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up."

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."

I don't know.

love. friends. Kenny. parties. weight loss. frustration. changes. mom. dancing. battles. living. distractions. losing hope. music. fascination. impulses. school. dizziness. happiness. running. Thursdays. green tea. homecoming. whore. hippies. sleeping. after graduation. screams. dad. weed. stories. wet clothes. skin contact. driving. blood. hugh laurie. memories. missing you. curly hair. assumptions. insecure. cops. suicide. strength. weakness. afraid. alcohol. crying. blind. smooth skin. coffee. disappointment. fall. no makeup. bruises. dehydrated. jealousy. singing. growing up. hip bones. attraction. candles. super-soakers. sensitivity. flowers. unhealthy. spicy food. evil. meeting new people. thoughts. crime. dreams. disgust. confusion. pictures. road trip. eye contact. zircon. football games. cold air. chocolate milk. walking. necklace. death. movies. me and you. plaid. lotion. surprises. sex. pools. bright colors. giant eagle. self confidence. marriage. fragile. new orleans. hair dye. huffing. cooking. moving on. leaves. ugliness. nail polish. writing. paint. body. bandana. awake. illegal. judgments. show. 18 years old. late nights. shots. ap psychology. laying in grass. sickness. decisions. clouds. beauty. guitar. tattoos. sweaters. bottles. strobe light. library. stomach pain. warm hazelnut milk. dates. traveling.

I love just sitting around with people and talking about everything. Anything that comes to your mind. Life. People. Love. Religion.
Tonight I talked to someone about so many things. Just two people, being completely honest with each other and sharing opinions on things. We talked for almost two hours.
He said, " You're thoughtful, honest, and have a lot of fear." He said a few other things, but I can't remember. As soon as he said fear, my mouth dropped open. Hes right. And I've never had anyone say that to me. He also told me I should be a psychologist , which is strange, because that is exactly what I want to be.
Hurt. Trust. Mistakes. Lessons. We talked about all of these. We were talking about relationships in general. Then he looked at me, straight into my eyes and asked, "who hurt you?" I asked if he was talking about guys. He said yes. That got me thinking back a lot. Nobody has ever really hurt me. I mean, not anybody I dated. Sure, people I've dated hurt me, but nothing to extreme. Its only been people I was really close to. People I loved and trusted.

Fear. Wow. It took me a while to admit to myself that I was actually scared. Last year I realized that more than ever. I used to think that if I showed no emotion, I had none, and nobody could hurt me. I got so used to that. Then all of the sudden, I had to feel things. I was forced to. I'm not saying thats a bad thing. But it was really difficult. And nobody could understand how hard that was, except me. That was frustrating.
Anyway, this "cool dude" talked about friends. He said, "When your my age and still have a couple of friends you grew up with, consider yourself lucky." I understand that already. I've had people come in and out of my life, just like everyone else. And I know there are going to be many more friends to leave me. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that.

Brand new.

I'm done with this. I'm not going to keep telling myself I'm not good enough. I'm not going to keep putting myself down. I deserve to be happy. I do. I know I do.
I'm going to fix this. I'm not going to hold myself back anymore. And I'm letting go of anything thats going to stop me from doing that.
I'm going to live and be happy doing it.

I went outside to scream today.

Finally fell asleep at 5am.
Kept waking up.
Bad dream.
Mom made me get up before she left this morning at 11am.
Got change, went to the gas station to get coffee in my pajamas.
Sat outside gas station. Thinking.
Went to the park to swing. Thinking.
Walked to the empty baseball field.
There I screamed loud and long. Crying.
Walked back home.

6 months.

I've tried to think of a way to explain to you how you've made me feel. And how you've changed me. So here it goes...

I've let you in.
I've trusted you enough to share my deepest scars. My heart is vulnerable. You could easily hurt me if you wanted to. But I trust you not to.
I have made myself become used to pushing people away. It was easier than letting them in. They couldn't hurt me that way. I didn't realize that when I was pushing people I loved away from me, that it was actually hurting me more.
Then you came along. Sure, I've known you since 7th grade. But I never fully let you in until this year. I decided that you're worth the risk. :)
I don't regret anything about us.
I try hard to keep this relationship right. We talk about things. Not many people can do that. I don't lie to you. We trust eachother. That is one of the most important things.
I hear so many people complaining about their boyfriends or girlfriends. I just smile and remember that I have nothing to complain about.
I can't even begin to tell you how perfect you are for me.
Nobody else can have me. I am yours. I love you Alex Doyle.

Fathers Day

I used to be one of those kids that didn't think very much about Fathers Day. It was just another day, except you get dad a card and a gift. You're saying thank you for all of the things your father has done for you.
At 14, my whole thought process changed.
Now I know how lucky kids are to have their fathers. Some kids don't think its a big deal, just like I used to. But it is. It really is.
I do have a point to writing this. My point is...always make sure your parents know how much you love them. Fathers Day is a big deal. So is Mothers Day.

I always tell my mother I love her. Even if I'm mad at her. I hug her before I leave the house. I tell her I love her before I go to sleep. I hold my moms hand when we are out somewhere. I spend time with her. I say thank you. I tell her I'm sorry when I know I've done something wrong. I make sure she knows I love her. I tell her when I really appreciate something she has done.
Why? Because I know that I could lose her at any time, any day. I want everyone to realize that.
I wish I could make people realize that.
What if one of your parents died today? What would you want to change about the past?

Remember this:
There isn't much that is unforgivable. Your parents are going to make you angry. And your going to make them angry. Don't waste your time staying angry at them. You never know when they will leave you forever.

Everyone has a story.

There is always something bad that happens in everyones life. That is life. You just have to know how to deal with it. Some people can't handle it. They feel like they can't live with what has happened to them. Thats the biggest reason there are drug addicts and alcoholics. They use to drown out those feelings or memories.

There are things that have happened in my life that are hard to talk about and think about. I'm not one of those people that go out and tell everyone my story. It doesn't change that fact that it has happened if I tell everyone. Its just something I have to deal with. Its made me who I am.

I'm trying to let go. I'm always hearing about how life is difficult and you just have to stay strong. Of course older people tell me that. I'm 17. I'm just starting to live. What I do now is going to affect the rest of my life. Something bad is always going to happen. I can't forget about my past, thats impossible. So I have to move on. Its extremely difficult. I'm not even sure how to do it.

I need to start over. And I need help doing it. I used to be so stubborn. I thought I could do everything on my own. Heal on my own. I didn't need anyones help. But I do. And I know that now.

First I need to forgive some people. I've even thought about going to see one person. I haven't actually spoken to him in...wow, 5 years. I still don't care much for him, and I never will. But I think I need to see him and tell him that I forgive him. Not for him, but for myself. I need to see a few other people and tell them that too.

I also need to accept something. Accept what has happened. "Don't worry about something you can't change or control"

Something else I need to do is forgive myself. Thats too personal to write about though.

What if?

I was in a car accident on Wednesday the 17th. I was in the car with my grandparents and my ten year old cousin. Some older lady hit us from behind going the full speed limit (40 mph). At first I was mad at the lady because she could have really hurt my little cousin. Accidents happen though. We all ended up going to the hospital. They strapped us all on boards and put neck braces on us. My cousin was in the same ambulance with me. She was crying and was upset, which was expected. She had never been in a car accident, and neither had I. All of us had neck pain. My grandma and I had X-rays done. They ended up being fine. We all got prescribed pain medication.

The next day, I had thrown up four times. Mom took me to a different hospital. I had a CT scan done. Nothing was wrong. He told us that I had a trauma headache and vertigo. Vertigo makes you unable to balance. It is caused by whiplash. So I got prescribed a different medication and was sent home.

Everything happens for a reason, right? This accident could have been much worse and any of us could have died. For me, this accident reminded me that anyone I know could die any day. Any time. That is one of the scariest things. As mom was driving me home from the hospital the day of the accident, it hit me then. I could have died today. That night, I prayed for the first time in a long time.

Thank you for keeping us all safe today. Thank you for watching over us. Thank you for leaving my brother with a sister and my mother with a daughter.

Experience.

It was nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would quiet and boring. It was just the opposite. We were all standing outside of the building, waiting to get in. There were all different kinds of different people. Different styles and different races. All different ages too. But they were all there for the same reason. They all wanted to know they weren't alone. They all wanted to be reminded of why they had changed their ways.
We got inside and found somewhere to sit. There were two floors. Chairs on the bottom floor and bleachers on the second. Every space was filled with people. I watched people walk in and greet other people. I've never shook so many hands before. By the end of the night, I've never had so much respect for so many people. They all amazed me. They all had so much strength. They were all standing there, sober. At some point in their lives, there came a point to where they knew they had to change. Alcoholics are living proof that in order to change, you have to want to change yourself. Nobody can make you change. You hear stories of how alcoholics abuse their children, wives, and even husbands. Or how they get into a car accident and kill people. Even that sometimes isn't enough to open their eyes and make them change. It takes a miracle.
To be in that room, with all of these people, made me sad and just completely amazed. At certain points in this mans speech, everyone around me recited lines that they knew. They were all so dedicated to changing their lives. I'm sure some of them had put all they had into changing. I didn't have to know them to be proud of every single one of them.

Currently.

There is this picture in my bedroom. Its been hanging on the wall for a while . About a month ago someone slammed a door and now its hanging sideways.

This picture frame is everything right now.

I see it every day. I notice how crooked it is. I don't fix it. I don't care enough to. The other day, I walked into my room and stared at everything for I don't know how long. I noticed how my chapstick is supposed to be in my bag. How my bag is supposed to be next to my books. How my books aren't supposed to be burried under the pile of shit on my bed. How that pile of shit is not supposed to be there at all. Everything is out of place. Just like me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm only sure about one thing. That one thing being my boyfriend. I don't want to clean my room. I try. I move about two things then I either get distracted or stop because I don't feel like doing it.

The way you make me feel.

4 months now. I don't think I've ever made a better decision in my life. I was so incredibly scared to tell you how I felt. Of course I kept thinking of the worst. If you didn't like me back, it would be awkward. I didn't want to ruin such a great friendship. Other things kept holding me back from telling you too. Then I thought...I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks, I deserve to be happy.
Its so strange how we ended up. A good strange though. As I looked at you with hate-filled eyes (for no reason) in 7th grade, us being together was the last thing going through my mind.
I don't know if you know this but, you've made my life so much easier. Now that you've read about my past you know how things were. You, Austin and Nina made me feel alive again in 8th grade.

When I'm with you nothing else matters. Its just you and me. You and me? God, that still sounds so good.
When you touch me, I get butterflies.
When I'm talking to you, I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm obsorbed into you.
When people flirt with me, I just picture you which brings a smile to my face. I don't want anybody else. I just want you.
You are your own person. That is one of the most attractive things about a person.
Your a strong person. Thats also very attractive. I wouldn't want somebody weak.
Sometimes your a mystery.
When I'm with you, I feel important.
Your understanding. That means a lot to me.
I cannot lie to you, I refuse to. I want to make this work.
I'm not scared when I'm around you. I want to let you in. I want you to know me even more. And I want to know you even more.
Your so adorable. .
I love that you play guitar. It shows that your passionate about something.
You aren't afraid to try new things.
I love when you let me in. If its possible, I fall for you even more.
I'll stand up for you, even if I'm against the whole world.
I'm upset when you get upset.
I love that you don't like routine. It shows that you aren't boring. haha. Everyone knows you not boring.
You have this strong power over me whether you realize it or not. I would do anything for you. I want to give you everything. You're perfect.
And if I could, I would take you away from here.
I really want us to last. I want that more than anything.
I'm going to make you angry and dissapointed. But just remember, I love you.

I want you to know.

I can't stand when people don't just tell me the truth. I don't care if the truth leaves me crying, please just tell me.
Is it that you've changed, or myself? Are you really too busy with everything else to spend time with me? Maybe we'll get over this, maybe not. I sure hope so. When I think about our past, I get hit with that emotion that I never want to feel. Thats regret. I wish things wouldn't have gone the way they did in the end.
We were fine. We both apologized. You we're the best girl friend I ever had. You cared about me more than any girl ever has. You were a true friend.
Now look at us. You told me that I never told you anything, that I held everything in. You're right. I was scared to tell you things. I wanted to make sure I knew who you were. I didn't want to get closer to you, then have you leave me.
I'm sorry I never told you anything. I've changed a lot in the last year. I want to tell you things. I WANT to let you in. But now...you're not giving me the chance.
Thank you though. Even though things have changed, you were the best girl friend I ever had.

I don't want to sleep on my bed, so I sleep on my floor. I don't know why.

I want to wear sweat pants and not jeans. I don't like the way my body looks. I don't tell mom that. She says, " I don't want you to wear sweat pants to school anymore. It reflects on me. It looks trashy." HAHA. How selfish is that? It reflects on you!? Since I was 10, everything you've done has relfected on me. People in Louisville knew who you were. They knew you were my mother. You were talked about all of the time. What did I do? I stood up for you. And besides, you should consider that maybe there is a reason I like to wear them.

I fall asleep in class every day. Not every class, but most of them. I try to stay awake. I really do.

I can't sleep at night. No matter what I do, I can't sleep through the whole night like a normal person. I should just stay up all night.

I forget everything. Its ridiculous. Homework. Tests. If I'm supposed to be in a different room for a class. To call people. Little things too.

I just lay there. I'm too exhausted to get up.

I cover up the circles under my eyes with makeup (when I can remember anyway.)

Your always on my mind. I'm so glad this happened.

I barely do my hair anymore. Or clean my room.

I want to call you but I'm too tired. Its not that I don't care about you. I care about you more than anyone I've dated or even liked before.

I can't help but think she doesn't like me anymore. Answer your phone. Or call me back when I call you. And when we make plans, keep them. Don't hang out with me as a last resort. I'm making it possible for myself to get hurt because I care about you. I've missed you. I want to make this work again. Your the best girl friend I ever had.

And you girl. Tell me the truth. I can't stop thinking that maybe your hiding something. Someone told me you didn't like me. Now I want to hear it from your mouth. Your not the person I thought you were.

I cry for no reason.


I want you to tell me why you aren't "very fond of me". I don't want to hear it from someone else. I never did anything to you. After all we've been through together...how could you forget about me like that? You know about the way people have treated me. But then you turn around and treat me the same way. Go ahead, care about your asshole boyfriend more than you care about me. He treats you like shit. When you guys split, don't come running back to me. Your so selfish.

Dear biological father,
I know you care about your girlfriend. You've shown me that. I know you care about her son. You've shown me that. I know you care about your birds. You've shown me that. I know you care about yourself. You've shown me that. I know you care about your car. You've shown me that. I know you care about the way I make you look. You've shown me that. I ask one thing of you. Show me how much you care about me.

I dread being in the house even more now.

I can't focus.

Fuck school.

I want mom to be happy. Her boyfriend seems pretty cool. It doesn't seem to me like he would put up with her shit. Either thats really good or really bad. Theres no in between with that.

Life.

There is just something really peaceful about being on the road, knowing that your going far away. Even if its just for a few hours.
I would rather be gone than at home. Its not that my home life is terrible or anything. Sometimes it gets stressful, but thats life. I want to go places. I want to try as much as I can. I don't want to waste my life.
I want to dance in the rain,
to go to parties,
to love and to be loved,
to drive out to nowhere,
to watch the sunset,
to sleep as little as possible,
to scream as loud as I can,
to be a teenager for as long as I can,
to appreciate little moments,
to know a lot of people,
to go with my impulses (not bad ones),
to be the one people need,
to travel the world,
to be civil with everyone,
to believe I deserve to be happy,
to live my life.

biological father.

It was almost dark. I decided to walk to the park to calm down and try to clear my head. At some point, calling you seemed like a good idea. I dialed your number with the intention of asking you if I could stay the night at your house. Then it hit me...what if he said no? I mean, he would probably word it differently. So I'd rather not ask you then get shot down. For a second, I thought that you might just maybe ask if I wanted you to pick me up to do something. I would have been happier if you asked if I wanted to stay the night, without me implying that I wanted to. But you didn't do either of these things. You didn't know it but I was crying when I was talking to you. I know I shouldn't be surprised. At least you said, " I hope you have a better day. I love you" before we hung up.
I think one of the worst feelings is realizing someone doesn't care about you when you want them to.