The Man in the Glass- Unknown author.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he's with you clear to the end
And you've passed your most dangerous test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Bits and Pieces.

mall. meaning? dissapointment. tight grip. sleep deprived. leather jacket. post-it notes. tension. shock. doritos. buried. quitting. english paper. moms love. listening to the doors because it calms me down ad makes me happy. that ring. frustration, confusion, frustration, confusion. trying not to cry. not before, and not after. winter formal? trying to only think about the present. no sleep, but lots of energy, then no energy at all. "I love you and I'm just now coming to terms with it." <-- fuck you. taking care of Izzy when she is sick. glass bottle lamp. pale skin. experiences. voice giving out. vibrating chest & bones. blacklight. ecstasy. quonset hut guy. closing my eyes. metal, rock, techno. sticky floor and table. perverted men. him watching me, to protect me. dirty bathroom. uncle matt guarding me. blue liquid. loud screams. hearing about you. taco bell at 1am. dizziness. hearing more about you. donating blood. you scare me. piece of the broken necklace. two bandaged arms. doctors appointment. kennys birthday. distractions on purpose. will it fix itself? our talk. singing to an old song in the store. i wont say i hate you, but i have no probably with saying i really dislike you. barney colored nail polish. thank you for reminding me why i don't tell people anything. what is right and what is wrong? job. flashbacks, good and bad. i feel like i haven't had time to heal in a while. i'm so sorry. i'm not sure if its better to know exactly who you are or to not know who you are at all.

Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend that you called me on my 18th birthday, and that you didn't just put a card in my mailbox without knocking on the door.

If I'm not the one to call, we don't talk. I finally gave up on you. I told myself I wouldn't call you anymore. I waited for you to call me. The result: we haven't talked in months.

I didn't expect you to call, show up, or send me a card on my birthday. Well, at least I got a card, right? I wish you would have written more than: welcome to adulthood xoxo. But you can't get everything you want.

I don't know why I let you get to me. I allow myself to believe that maybe you will love me and want me in your life. Then reality hits me and I feel fragile. I guess I'm still like a little girl in that way.

Quickly, and without detail...

The last couple months have been bad. People hurt me, I hurt people. Someone explained it perfectly to me: "You've had a lot of negative things in your life lately. And I think that all of those things have built up. Then other things happened on top of that. And you are to the point where so much has happened that you don't even know where to begin." I gave up on myself. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've learned a few things about myself. I didn't help my family when they needed it. I can't say I was being selfish. Being selfish means that you care about yourself and nobody else. I didn't care about myself. Mom tried talking to me twice. I did listen. I did see her. I did see that she cared. I did feel myself crying. But I still couldn't talk. She gave me so many chances to. She didn't give up on me. I was hoping for someone to pry things out of me because I couldn't do it alone.
Then something happened. I opened my eyes and gave myself the breakdown that I needed. I haven't cried that hard in a while. Then I talked to mom, telling her everything. Everything she said to me was perfect and honest. At one point, she said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you've changed in worse ways lately."
I agree with her. I need another change. This time it will be a good one. I'm not sure how to do it, but I'm going to try.
I'm going to start with trying to get a job (starting tomorrow). I think its perfect timing. Nobody else needs to understand that.

Thank you
mom- for everything lately. And for making 18th birthday a great one. I'm going to write you a very long letter soon.
Doyle- for coming over. I know you didn't have to. But I really appreciate it.
Donavon, Marsha, Nick, Nicole, Jason, Alex, Kenny, Grandma- for being there. Some of you know how much I needed that. thank you for the gifts. You're all amazing.

2009.

Turning 17. First birthday home in 3 years.
Doyle. My best friend and the guy I dated for nine months.
Show at Peabodys.
Kenny turning 14.
Nina. Its sad the way things turned out.
Blurry nights.
Trampoline with two girls.
Pirogi's with Nina and Chloe. Loooots of butter.
Deals in Massillon.
Coloring those velvet pictures.
Pretty underwear.
Mom.
Strange houses.
First love.
All of us switching clothes.
Weed. A new world.
Dad (biological). On and off. On and off.
May Fiesta after party with Miranda, Kelsey, Michelle, and Aaron Floom.
Massive body aches the next day.
Making love.
Coming home late.
Almost getting kicked out of the movie theater.
Donavon.
Parties.
Chris living with us for a few weeks.
Climbing the trees by your grandmas house.
You telling me you loved me in person for the first time.
June 5th. I'll never forget it.
Stealing.
Comforting the new kid.
Foggy conversations.
Cigarettes.
You trying to have sex with me.
Frozen cookies.
Foggy card games.
Awkwardly sleeping next to you.
Realizing who you really are.
Strange new faces.
Vicodin.
Laughing until I cried.
Show in Carolton.
Your grandma showing me your baby pictures.
Emptying my stomach.
Painting my room with Doyle and Kenny.
Remembering old times with Nina, Austin, Doyle and I.
Paint on your necklace, on my shoes, in our hair, and on my bed.
Being the most pale I've ever been. I thought I was dying.
Ding dong ditching like a little kid.
Random conversation with your friend. Him: "Are you hot?" Me: "I don't know. Ask my cousin." Cousin: "Yeah. Shes hot. All of my friends think shes hot too."
Hating myself.
Empty pool.
Sleeping on your floor. You made me a bed out of blankets.
Leaning against the shower wall for balance.
Mason and Aaron. Ashtabula. way more than a 3 hour drive.
Drifting off in the driveway.
Finding out that sleeping in cars is ridiculous.
Calling you to tell you happy birthday.
Foggy drive back.
Getting into a car wreck. We could have died.
X-rays.
Coffee from dad.
Not being able to breathe. Having the worst pain I've ever felt. Ruptured ovarian sist.
Ambulance ride.
Them giving me oxygen.
Being given a drug stronger than morphine. "Its kind of like being high."
Wanting to touch the doctors bald head.
Singing Three Little Birds by Bob Marley.
IV.
Wanting to call you. You were the only one I wanted to talk to.
You ripping your pants....several times.
Meeting Jason.
Hanging out with Alex again.
Donavon getting his truck.
Movie theater.
Kenny's facial hair.
Feeling insecure about myself more than ever.
Moms birthday.
Going to Clays Park with Marsha.
Barrel in the water.
Walking to the park by your house. So many great times there.
Worrying that I'm not good enough for you.
You telling me you liked me.
Dancing like crazy.
Nasty guys flirting with me.
Losing my bathing suit bottoms.
Attempting to dive.
Your grandmas basement.
Izzy attacking Chris.
Doyle being grounded for a month.
Dying my hair.
Us drawing with chalk.
The mustang. We were creative.
Crying and hiding it.
Mothers day.
Meeting Donavons girlfriend Angel.
Loving your curly hair.
You giving me flowers.
Texts from dad.
Fighting with Kayla for the last time.
Wishing my dad could meet you.
You leaving your choir concert to be with me.
Girls bathroom.
Getting caught.
Opening up to you.
Feeling you everywhere thats within arms reach.
Visiting Aunt Denise.
Cleaning your grandmas van.
Jumping into the pool with my clothes on.
Being with Chris Rossi, Ben, Parker, Nick, Ian, Doug.
Not being able to watch movies with you around.
Creepy older guys.
Trying to make it work with Nina again.
Dance party at my house.
Michael Jackson.
Us in my room. The Doors was playing.
Missing those impulses you have. Nobody else understands my impulses.
Broken necklace.
You holding me while I cried in your grandmas basement.
Outside of the movie theater.
Walking to the gas station.
Feeling like I couldn't help mom.
Meeting your parents.
Going to your soccer game.
You putting my phone down your pants.
Your mom putting makeup on me.
Being half naked in your car.
Shopping at Goodwill.
Listening to Michael Jackson.
Sharing something with Grandma and Aunt Denise.
Kissing you for the first time.
Scarfing down nasty McDonalds food.
You driving me home.
Kenny and I. Our relationship changing.
Rossi Halloween party.
Me dressing up as a doll. You as a gay guy.
Watching you dance.
AA meetings.
No more AA meetings.
Breaking up with Doyle.
Loving you forever.
Homecoming. I felt strange.
Seeing Amber, Nick, and Ryan. Seeing Brendan for the first time.
Crying.
Crying.
Crying.
Crying at school for the first time.
Breaking up with Nick for the second time in a month.
Taking the boombox around neighborhoods.
Becoming closer to Nicole.
Dads birthday. He would be 38.
Your mom and I cheering for you at your game.
Us trying to make brownies.
You asking me if I was over Doyle. I said, " Honestly, I don't know." Right after that, you asked me out. I said yes thinking why not.
First time hanging out with Adam.
Meeting Nate.
You are thee craziest driver.
Helping you and your family move things out of your house.
Watching your little cousins.
All three of us in our underwear.
Eating Lucky Charms.
Taking pictures.
Me being the only one that didn't sleep.
Feeling sorry for you and your family.
Having more stress between mom and I than there ever has been.
Getting on the roof.
Crying while walking home.
Wondering how you're doing.
Losing my keys somewhere in North Canton.
Laughing until I cried.
Hanging out with Michelle.
Back room filled with smoke.
Going to Taco Bell with Nick and Ian.
Abandoned house.
Spin the bottle.
Falling over bruising my knee.
Whipped cream fight.
Looking at me through the vent while I peed.
Making a big mistake.
Marks.
Waking up the next morning.
Crying while you held me. You're a great friend.
Many many late nights.
Talking in a southern accent.
Losing control.
Missing you.
Mat Stats. Being around sweaty guys wearing spandex. Ha.
Realizing how much of a great guy you both are.
Smacking you in the face. Not out of anger, but out of hurt.
Searching for you in the dark when it was pouring rain.
Relating to you.
Truth or dare.
Hanging out with Britany and Jenny.
Gagging while eating. I could not help it.
Being attracted to you because of one thing.
Comparing underwear and bras.
Exchanging stories about sex.
Telling mom I don't know what I'm doing.
Watching you talk, but not hearing you.
Mason May coming home.
Chris leaving the state.
Forgetting to eat.
You making me sick. Literally.
Driving with Aaron, Mason and Lauren.
Meeting the most amazing gay guy, Luke.
27 year old mexican guy hitting on me.
People walking in.
Kissing Jolynn Peck.
Seeing Chase Conley and some other Jackson people.
Racing to get home.
Mom calling.
Gaining respect for Jason.
You smacking me.
Losing weight.
Kenny saying those things.
Police.
Mom finding them.
Shaking so bad its hard to stand.
Someone threatening to shoot up the school.
Not knowing what is wrong with you.
Finding out who made that threat.
One by one by one by one.
Seeing little dots everywhere.
Puke. Lots of it.
Wanting to talk to you.
Rushing into things.
Losing my family.
Having a huge talk with mom.
My family members, mom and Jason telling me I'm too thin.
Feeling more exhausted than I've ever been.
Trying to have a friendship with Nick again.
I realized I can't tell my mom everything. Maybe its better that way.
Not getting invited to my baby cousins second birthday.
Making up my mind about dad. I don't want anything to do with him.
New Years Eve. Crying alone in my room right after the ball dropped.