November 1st, 2009.

November 1st. Wow.
So much has changed in the last three years. People around me have changed. Relationships with people have changed. I've changed.
I wish you could see us now. He looks more and more like you and hes so grown now. She is still just as beautiful as she always was. I still look like a little girl but I've changed a lot on the inside.
I'm always wondering what you would say to me. I know that when mom tries to give me advice sometimes I don't always want to listen or don't agree with her. But I also know that I'm lucky I have her here to give me that advice. I know how much I'd like you to give me advice.
Happy Birthday. I love you.

just felt like writing.

I got ready in 10 minutes. Just threw something on that was going to be easy to move in. A sweater and a loose knee-length skirt. Covered up the dark circles under my eyes. Messy hair.

First, it starts out with me being excited. The car ride there seemed like it took forever. Partially because I had to pee. I blame mom, and the medium coffee she bought me. I looked at my little cousin, all dressed up and ready to see her dad play with his band for the first time. I keep thinking about how she is becoming the age where she will start to realize that the world isn't so perfect. Some things she says tells me that she is already seeing some of it. I just want to hug her and tell her to never give up.
Inside of the building, I feel a little zoned. The guy collecting the 5 dollars from each of us looks and at me and says, " I assume you're under 21?" Ha. I watch everyone take pictures. I watch them and their silly poses. I go stand next to whoever they tell me to, so they can take pictures of us. I watch people light up cigarettes and drink. A fog machine is filling up the whole room. Different colored lights are everywhere. People in costumes.

I get closer to the stage. I'm anxious to feel it. The way the drums make my heart thump and my bones feel like they're shaking. I love that feeling. They start playing, and I let my body move whatever way it wants to. I yell as loud as I can. Later, my voice will sound strained. At one point, I lean against my grandmas shoulder, letting my body fall into her. I wonder what she thinks of me. My uncle brings me a piece of pizza, even though I said I didn't want one twice. I eat it in little pieces so my stomach doesn't get upset. My little cousin finally loosens up and starts moving a little bit. I watch her lean against her mom. I think about how lucky she is to have her dad. She doesn't realize that yet. People ask me the same questions:
"How are you?" "How old are you now?" "What grade are you in?"
"How is your mom and your brother?" "What classes are you taking?"
"What have you been up to?" "Do you still talk to ____?"
The answers are usually the same.

We get back to her house. I see my grandpa. Hes a great man. I've always thought so. If I ever get married one day, I hope it is to someone like him. He hugs me and asks me how I'm doing. Then he says, " You've been losing a lot of weight, girl. You look like your wasting away." I just laugh a little when he says that. I just think: no, I just look tired and weak.

shower wall. want. puke. rain. cuddling. leather. no more? aching body. rose. contacts. body not functioning properly. random bruises. black & mild. age 13. blind. need. compassion. soccer games. thursday nights? halloween party. old friends. bands. terrified. weekends. new people in my life. giving up. chicken broth. highlights. forgetful. kenny. cigarettes. goldfish. heart pounding. zoned out. running. diolated pupils. a.d.d.? time loss. trampoline. sleep medication. bus rides. alcohol. jackson football game.

My beautiful mother.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I think I don't know right from wrong. Or maybe I do know, but I just don't care. I'm not sure.

Mom was right, you do change. And I know she will be right about so many other things in the future. I'm so lucky I have her. I don't think she knows how much she helps me, even with the little things she does. She sings to me at night when I ask her to. She rubs my tummy when I don't feel well. She will buy me cute little things and put them in my room for me to find. She writes me little notes. She plays with my hair to comfort me. She will lay in bed with me when I want her to just be there. She really listens to me. She remembers almost everything I say. When she hugs me when I'm upset, I feel like I can breathe again.

Sometimes I do or say things that I'm not proud of. That usually has to do with my mom. And there are some times when I don't appreciate things she does for me. You hurt the ones you love, right? I don't tell her how much I appreciate her enough. She is my best friend, and I love her so much.

The only way I feel like writing at the moment.

mom's birthday. kenny k. long phone conversations. chinese food. dad. moulin rouge. homework. tears. hospital. exhausted. half-baked brownies. drunk drivers. sadness. long walks. reality check. pain medication. doyle. homecoming. homecoming? perfume. the doors. lost. IV. biological father. nick d. real dates. kelsey s. butterflies. rebellion. fascination. stomach pain. rings. planet art. unwanted. walmart isles. metallica. ovaries. dallas cowboys. love. heels. "lesbians.". falling poster. guilt. donavon c. bamboo. mess. naked. rain. candles, darkness & music. parties. moon walking. imperfections. zoning. hospital beds. appreciation. first love. dislike. journey. new york. izzy. suicide. court. money. tight grip. insense. underwear. fake. thank you. smell of energy drinks. disguist. mustang. signed pants. hair done. shaking. hips. el ricon. marsha d. fighting. drugs. leopard print. grandma. lies. grown men. puke. hemp. school bus. body, body, body. industrial. pills. scary sounds. parking lots. lips. pray? mullets. fragile. urges. quonset hut. swings. good role model? robe. black light. hope. carving pumkins. laughter. uncomfortable. library. colorful glass bottles. chris k. haunted houses. shows. body language. a.d.d.. insecurities. labels. ouch. hats. flowers. i'm sorry. skin color. issues. time. crush. terrified. fat. heart. goodwill. not matching. intense. nephew. chest pains. ketchup. forever. brother. alcohol. sandra bullock. vaccum. movies. breaking up. ryan s. singing everywhere. no bangs. book. his name was mike. missed calls. jealousy. tattoos. alone. ROAD TRIP?! skittles. cowboy boots. sleeping on floors. ponytails. tie-dye. do i? dinners. dark circles. kisses. michael jackson. motorcycle. mud. expression. memories. wet pants. destination. doyles hoodie. nicole l. blushing. hugs. more hugs. dress. hollow. ripped paper. dreamcatcher. denial. bob marley. lime chapstick. highlighter. no appetite. superman & batman costumes. the future. singing everywhere. relationships. curling iron. strange dreams. introductions. misunderstandings. fairies. boots. hidden. stuffed animals.

"I spent thousands of dollars raising her for three years." - I can't believe the things you say. Its like you don't hear yourself at all when you speak. I wonder how many people would turn on you if they really knew about you and what you are really like. I'm done with you. I give up. You're not worth hurting myself over.

"I wish things could be the way they were when we were little. Tag! You're it! Will you be my boyfriend?"- me