Confessions.

I've closed every open door to my emotions that I can't even write for myself.
I can't even look my mother in the eyes and explain the reasons to everything, because even I don't know.
I can't cry because I get mad at myself and feel pathetic.
I'm scared to let someone touch me because even I feel disgusted with myself.
I can't stand to sit in silence or be alone for too long because I start to think about things.
I feel like I'm becoming empty. Of thought, of emotions, of food.
I don't believe anyone actually wants to be with me.
I'm only going back to counseling because I want my mom to be happy.
I feel like giving up. Kenny. The only person in my life who keeps me from giving up.
I'm scared to death of having my memory of you fade away even more.
I keep trying to make myself feel alive but it isn't working.
I used to not let myself waste my time being upset about things. I can't help it now.
I won't even try to defend myself anymore.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
Biological father. My rollercoaster. I love you, I hate you. I want you to love me, I don't care what you think about me. I miss you, I don't care if I ever see you again.
I surround myself with people so its harder for me to feel alone.
I try to dress nice, do my hair, and wear makeup so I at least look better than I feel.
I tell myself that if I just "go with the flow", everything will fix itself at some point.
I open my mouth to talk but I always get too frustrated and change my mind.

I wont be writing for a while.

Barely any sleep.
Walking everywhere. Sore body, fragile body.
Him:"I'm going to watch her deny every guy that tries with her." <-- about me.
Being angry at you. Please don't dissapear. You don't know this, but I need you.
Everywhere but home.
Feeling like I'm not in my body.
Alice in Wonderland. --> "Look at those girls..."
Battle of the Bands. Mood swings.
You disgust me, I disgust me.
All of these people.
Trying not to give up.
Car rides.
Body changes.
Counseling at the end of this month.
and the appt. for meds.
Puke.
Tuesday- sleep testing.