2011.

Dear God,

Please let this year come easier. My family could use a little break. We've all begun to feel a little insane. Please help us get through whatever will be thrown at us this year and to not give up. Let us experience more and do it responsibly.

Only we could do something that impulsive, crazy, and dumb and enjoy it. I love you, my "soulmate".

Present.

I just bought myself a couch at Goodwill today. It will be the only piece of furniture in my room. Bed & chill spot.

Get my nose pierced?

Only two days of work this week. Not sure what to do with all of that time.

Old bug for sale. Its in great shape. I've yet to ask them how much it is. I'm scared to know. Its a beauty.

Going to Hoover. Its decided.

Gained a few pounds. Healthier?

I want my body to feel better. Time to start running again. I want someone to go with me.

Dates :)

Staying with mom and Kenny for a couple days. Its nice.

Finished the book Crank. I think everyone should read it.

I'm going to build myself a stand. It will take time and focus. It will be good for me.

I'm so excited to make my room mine finally.

I need to start writing again. I've not touched my journals in forever.

Movies, flowers, music, out to eat, walking, guitar playing, singing.

I'm really trying to forgive myself. I think with you, it will be much easier.

I've got a cellphone now? Yep, I've come to the conclusion that they are pretty convenient.

Who will take me to a hippie fest?

Colors, colors, colors.

Bonding with dad. Cooking, watching movies.

dancing with gay guys. sleeping on couches. late night tv. flowers. ramen noodles & green tea. acceptance. weight changes. ilovemybrother. chit-chat coffee shop. concert downtown. tunnel vision. need to study. creating a new life. smoke is bad for you. people giving me their numbers. dresses. old friends. kennys girlfriend. 1960's. paint. old scent. just a phase. deep thought. discipline.

Doing it right.

I'm still not sure what the right thing is.
I do know that this time I'm not going to give up. And I'm not just going to go with what happens. I'm going to make plans and stick to them. And I'm not going to trick myself into thinking I can go against my own rules once in a while.
I'm done with everything being the way it was. Relationships, places, plans, the present, just everything.
Time for a change.

strange.

Of course I had a dream about you last night.
In most of the dreams I have of you, I start to cry when I see you and I feel like its real.
Last night, you had a book of pictures in your house. They were of me, you, Kenny, and mom. I remember taking pictures of them and crying while doing it.
At the end of the dream, you left me and said, "I have to go get something for Kenny."

Ironic.

Left work.
I saw it coming at me.
I had time to think: I'm about to die now.
My body wasn't tense like you would expect it to be, but loose.
Then I was on the ground in the next lane.
My bike was under her car.
Stood up. In shock. I told the lady that hit me to back her car up off of my bike so I could leave. Thats what came out of my mouth. I'm not sure what was going through my mind.
Too much going on. I realize my bike, being my work transportation, will no longer be able to move. I hear some man talking on the phone to the cops. He asked me if I needed an ambulance. Thats when I decided to look and see if I was alright. Just a scraped up elbow, nothing big.
Kenny shows up next to me. I was still in shock. My body was shaking. Mom comes running down the street, no shoes on. She was crying. I kept telling her it was okay and that she needs to breathe.

Wow. It all went so fast. I could have died today. Lets do something crazy now.

The month of July.

Its the fourth year I've felt this in a row now.
Each day is getting closer to the end of this month.
It almost feels like the end of everything. Then it comes and I feel like I need to do something wild and crazy to keep it from my mind.
I was told to write you a letter. I can't get myself to do it. I can barely get myself to talk to you anymore. Especially now, when things in my life have drastically changed. Even though I feel like you somehow know about these things have changed in my life, Kennys, and moms, they are still hard to talk to you about.
As always, there is so much I want to say to you and so much I want to ask you.
I would trade anything to do either of those. I would give my life for one more day with you.
I don't mean for that to sound depressing or sad. It really has nothing to do with that.
Every day I think about how much I want these things. It seems like those feelings build up and get more intense every day.
I'm slowly changing my life right now. In a strange way, keeping you on my mind gives me hope of becoming that better person that I want to be.
I love you.

Baby brother.

I can never find a way to tell you exactly how much I love you. Hmmm....more than anyone, more than anything, even more than Hugh Laurie. :] Nobody will ever be able to replace you or even come close. You know things about me that some people don't know. I like that we only have really serious talks every once in a while, when needed. I think most of the time you understand whats going on without the serious talks we have anyway. Please remember to always have your own opinion of me, and not to listen to what other people say. You know me and except me for who I am, and that's all that matters. Always do what you think is right. You've seen a few people mess up their lives from making the wrong choices. Be the stronger person, live the way you want to, and be careful with where you choose to go in life. You'll do great things, I know it. You're Kenny.

Remember, I love you so much. Even if you throw food at me or laugh when I accidentally drink coffee with ants in it.

The beginning.

2 doctors appts. in a couple days.

went to see dad on impulse. he wasn't there. he called me back after a while. I've seen him a
couple times now. I'm hoping he wants to be in my new life.

list of odd things to do with Britany. keeping us occupied.

stress at home. trying hard to not give up. i love my family.

Alex taught me how to skip rocks. He gave me permission to call him my "step brother".

Sometime soon we will be moving in with Jason and Alex. I'm more excited than anything. I know it wont be easy, but I think it will be good for all of us. I will most likely be changing schools. Mom says it will be a good "fresh start".

yard sale soon. Britanys graduation. nose pierced. doing things off of our list.

you. you're out of my life because you want to be. you were one of the people that never gave up on me, until now. thats something I will have to deal with. I hope you're doing well.

I want to change myself. On the inside, and the outside. I'm working on both, but not as hard as I could be. I want to prove to them and to myself that I can do it.

trying to do more with my brother. I was so blind before. I'm going to make it better now.

ldfuasd;gh

breaking me down. mom & kenny. impulsive decision to go see dad. "Do you always think bad things about yourself?" glow sticks. away. new meaning. crying. life. hospital. moments of clarity. trust. chris. becoming healthy. feeling. prom. cleaning up the house, cleaning up my life. our list. meetings. seperation.

I know that I could sit around and try to come up with reasons why. I would just end up with my thoughts going in circles.
I've tried to think of ways to slowly move my life in the other direction. Its hard, and I need more motivation. You'd think that being better for my family would be enough, but it isn't. I've realized that I also have to love myself. Thats going to take some time. I'm not sure I've ever really loved myself.
For now, the rest of the world is out of focus to me. I need to focus on myself and the people I love.
I need to make this better.
I will make this better.
I need to stay strong.

I need new in my life.

4-28 to 5-4
This is me. Its what I'm left with, just me. I had no choice but to think about the person I am. No choice but to think about what I've never dealt with and what I've done to my family.
I thought about all of the life changing choices I have to make.

Now.
Everything around me is clearing up slowly.
I'm starting to realize that I've missed this.

I wish I could say that I'm all better and that my family is back together.
But I know it will take quite a bit of time.
I'm trying to stay positive, but its hard right now.

Feeling.

last two days
I've never felt so alone. Completely alone. Lost.
no sleep friday. cleaned until saturday morning.
then something happened.
mom upset me. Then I started to cry. Something I haven't done in a while.
after I started crying, I couldn't stop. I literally cried for hours. that never happens to me.
i was getting mad at myself. each time I'd stop crying, i told myself I was done.
of course I cried again. by the end of the night, i felt like i cried everything out of me. i looked like it too.
i didn't know where I wanted to be. i didn't know what to do with myself.
i stared at my clock for hours. i had terrible thoughts going through my mind.
mom kept making me feel worse. i kept telling her to go away. at one point I told her that each time she said something I wanted to puke. i was done listening to her say anything.
In my mind, everything was over. I was done. I've never felt exactly like that before. not so intense.
couldn't find the tylenol pm pills that I've used a couple times to knock myself out.
"where are the tylenol sleeping pills?"
mom: "i put them up."
"give them to me, I need them."
Mom: "i'll give you one."
"no, give me the bottle so I can take them all."
she ended up throwing the bottle in my room later, telling me to go ahead and take them.
i didn't.
i called one person. let it ring twice, changed my mind, and hung up. called back. they weren't there. go figure.
saturday night.
i realized how hungry and sick i felt. i remembered i ate one thing since thursday night.
i go into the kitchen. as i open up ramen, it spilled out onto the floor.
i start to clean it up with a broom while crying.
mom comes in and asks me what im doing.
i told her i dropped it and I was cleaning it up.
she came over and took it from me, telling me she would do it.
i go into my room.
she came in a few minutes later asking me if i needed anything. she offered to go get me food or make me something. i shook my head no. then i said i'd go make pizza.
in the kitchen with mom. she helped me make pizza. i barely said anything because i didn't want to speak.
while eating, we watched tv. i can't even remember what it was.
i fell asleep on the chair.
i never want to feel like that again.

today.
im the same as i was on friday. nothing. numb. haven't cried at all.
everything is better this way.
i feel like yesterday didn't even happen. i don't know how it happened. i don't know why it happened. why cry like that all of the sudden?
today i thought: what if i had started to take the medicine i was prescribed to? She told me i would start to feel things again. is that what i would feel like? like that, whatever it was.

This morning.

Scared all night. Needed someone to be there.
Passed out around 5am.
Turned alarm off, went back to sleep.
Heard mom tell me to get up. Ignored her.
Home alone.
Stood up. Saw spots everywhere. Felt dizzy. About to pass out?
Deep breaths in order to feel like I'm getting enough air.
Heard my heart beating.
Hallway floor. Drank water. Ate what bread I thought I could keep down.
Weighed myself. 106 lbs.
Back in bed. Couldn't sleep. Remembered how much I hate being in a quiet room by myself.

Blur.

I see you every day. I know your name and what you look like.
The day after we have a serious talk, where you had my eyes tearing up, you don't look familiar to me. I try to think about the day before. I can't remember a lot of what you said and you look faceless. You're just a blur to me.
You asked me how I was doing without sounding like most people do. You know those people that ask you how you're doing just to say it and not listen to your answer? Well, you weren't like that. It caught me off guard. I hesitated and told you the truth. My answer: "I don't know."
You told me I could talk to you anytime I wanted. Right before I left I made myself smile and then I said "thank you" and really meant it. I remember thinking to myself: Thank you for the offer but I know that we'll never talk again because thats what I will choose to do.

appointment.

dizzy
throbbing head
eyes and mind can't focus on anything
need to puke
belly growling.need to eat?
heart racing
whole body shaking
scared
nervous
She asked me many personal questions.
Got prescribed some meds.
Now I realize that I made the decision in my head not to take those pills as soon as I left her office. Mostly because of this statement she made: "You will know when it starts to kick in. You will start to feel things again. So I want you to start talking to a counselor regularly."
No thank you. I'm not ready for that. Maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I'm not sure.

life is crazy.

march 8th. "even though he is younger, he is more responsible." taking risks. carrolton with britany. "I love you." puke. sharing clothes. you make me feel like shit. child support. wanting to walk to massillon, just because. cousin chris. weight. your warm body. fighting with mom. sun tan. picnic in your yard. waking up. that bike ride. "___. ___, I'm so sorry. Please help me. I'm sorry. Please hold me. I'm so sorry. I love you, ___." (<-- thinking of you at such a strange time. I swear I felt you hold me.) what will it take for you to realize how selfish you are? thinking: leave a note, leave the key, leave. riding in cars. new people. car windows, house windows. trying to comfort you. sharing some personal things with britany. rooftops. racing heart. your arms. walking everywhere. four wheeling. not caring. dizziness. pictures. cuts and bruises. dissapearing. worrying about you. people and their comments. what is reality? puke. jail. that old drawing: mom, dad, kenny, and i. dozing off. please don't forget about me. eyes rolling. dogs barking. road trip. biological father, you've been on my mind a lot lately.

Confessions.

I've closed every open door to my emotions that I can't even write for myself.
I can't even look my mother in the eyes and explain the reasons to everything, because even I don't know.
I can't cry because I get mad at myself and feel pathetic.
I'm scared to let someone touch me because even I feel disgusted with myself.
I can't stand to sit in silence or be alone for too long because I start to think about things.
I feel like I'm becoming empty. Of thought, of emotions, of food.
I don't believe anyone actually wants to be with me.
I'm only going back to counseling because I want my mom to be happy.
I feel like giving up. Kenny. The only person in my life who keeps me from giving up.
I'm scared to death of having my memory of you fade away even more.
I keep trying to make myself feel alive but it isn't working.
I used to not let myself waste my time being upset about things. I can't help it now.
I won't even try to defend myself anymore.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
Biological father. My rollercoaster. I love you, I hate you. I want you to love me, I don't care what you think about me. I miss you, I don't care if I ever see you again.
I surround myself with people so its harder for me to feel alone.
I try to dress nice, do my hair, and wear makeup so I at least look better than I feel.
I tell myself that if I just "go with the flow", everything will fix itself at some point.
I open my mouth to talk but I always get too frustrated and change my mind.

I wont be writing for a while.

Barely any sleep.
Walking everywhere. Sore body, fragile body.
Him:"I'm going to watch her deny every guy that tries with her." <-- about me.
Being angry at you. Please don't dissapear. You don't know this, but I need you.
Everywhere but home.
Feeling like I'm not in my body.
Alice in Wonderland. --> "Look at those girls..."
Battle of the Bands. Mood swings.
You disgust me, I disgust me.
All of these people.
Trying not to give up.
Car rides.
Body changes.
Counseling at the end of this month.
and the appt. for meds.
Puke.
Tuesday- sleep testing.

appointment.

Pulling at my sweater, playing with my nails, playing with my hair, clearing my throat. Wrapping my arms around my stomach. Sick feeling.
My body was shaking and my voice kept giving out.
I didn't want to be there. I wanted to walk out.
Any personal question you can think of, he asked me.
Lump in my throat. Watering eyes.
"Do you ever have anxiety?" Yes.
"When?" Whenever people are talking about something personal (about me) and ______."
Telling myself: Don't puke, don't puke. Its almost over.
Set up appointments.
All done. I basically run out of there.
Waiting room. Old lady crying, another lady making chewing noises next to me, creepy guy staring at me. Sat in there for an hour and a half. So hungry that my stomach hurt. Wanting to puke but nothing would come up.
Sick, furious, exhausted.
I don't want to go back there.
At school. Out of it. Out of all people, thinking about you. Thinking about how I need you here, how I want you here, and how much you scare me.

Thoughts In Circles.

I'm so sorry.
Running my hands through my hair, it falls out.
Thinking, thinking, thinking of how we could have lost you too. "Do you want to be without a mother and a father?"
Heartbeat in my stomach.
Keep taking those deep breaths even though it hurts. Come on, don't give up.
Numb, but I know what I should have felt.
Stop it, don't cry.
Walk faster, move faster, don't stop. Dragging my body everywhere.
Don't give up too much information. Keep it locked up, only for you.
Feeling uncomfortable.
Run away, you're weak.
I wont allow it.
Bursts of intense feeling.
What you said rings in my head all of the time.
Go away.
Chest bones, hip bones, collar bone, ribs.
Uncontrollable zoning.
Puke.

Falling.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't focus on anything

but my heart racing, my throat hurting, and my eyes moving back and fourth while they're closed. Too hot, then too cold. Too silent, then too loud. I'm not going to be able to sleep again tonight. I wish I could tell you everything, just pour my heart out. I doubt it would help anything, but its always in the back of my mind. But honestly, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at the thought of opening my mouth and trying to speak. Where do I start? Where do I end?

The Man in the Glass- Unknown author.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he's with you clear to the end
And you've passed your most dangerous test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Bits and Pieces.

mall. meaning? dissapointment. tight grip. sleep deprived. leather jacket. post-it notes. tension. shock. doritos. buried. quitting. english paper. moms love. listening to the doors because it calms me down ad makes me happy. that ring. frustration, confusion, frustration, confusion. trying not to cry. not before, and not after. winter formal? trying to only think about the present. no sleep, but lots of energy, then no energy at all. "I love you and I'm just now coming to terms with it." <-- fuck you. taking care of Izzy when she is sick. glass bottle lamp. pale skin. experiences. voice giving out. vibrating chest & bones. blacklight. ecstasy. quonset hut guy. closing my eyes. metal, rock, techno. sticky floor and table. perverted men. him watching me, to protect me. dirty bathroom. uncle matt guarding me. blue liquid. loud screams. hearing about you. taco bell at 1am. dizziness. hearing more about you. donating blood. you scare me. piece of the broken necklace. two bandaged arms. doctors appointment. kennys birthday. distractions on purpose. will it fix itself? our talk. singing to an old song in the store. i wont say i hate you, but i have no probably with saying i really dislike you. barney colored nail polish. thank you for reminding me why i don't tell people anything. what is right and what is wrong? job. flashbacks, good and bad. i feel like i haven't had time to heal in a while. i'm so sorry. i'm not sure if its better to know exactly who you are or to not know who you are at all.

Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend that you called me on my 18th birthday, and that you didn't just put a card in my mailbox without knocking on the door.

If I'm not the one to call, we don't talk. I finally gave up on you. I told myself I wouldn't call you anymore. I waited for you to call me. The result: we haven't talked in months.

I didn't expect you to call, show up, or send me a card on my birthday. Well, at least I got a card, right? I wish you would have written more than: welcome to adulthood xoxo. But you can't get everything you want.

I don't know why I let you get to me. I allow myself to believe that maybe you will love me and want me in your life. Then reality hits me and I feel fragile. I guess I'm still like a little girl in that way.

Quickly, and without detail...

The last couple months have been bad. People hurt me, I hurt people. Someone explained it perfectly to me: "You've had a lot of negative things in your life lately. And I think that all of those things have built up. Then other things happened on top of that. And you are to the point where so much has happened that you don't even know where to begin." I gave up on myself. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've learned a few things about myself. I didn't help my family when they needed it. I can't say I was being selfish. Being selfish means that you care about yourself and nobody else. I didn't care about myself. Mom tried talking to me twice. I did listen. I did see her. I did see that she cared. I did feel myself crying. But I still couldn't talk. She gave me so many chances to. She didn't give up on me. I was hoping for someone to pry things out of me because I couldn't do it alone.
Then something happened. I opened my eyes and gave myself the breakdown that I needed. I haven't cried that hard in a while. Then I talked to mom, telling her everything. Everything she said to me was perfect and honest. At one point, she said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you've changed in worse ways lately."
I agree with her. I need another change. This time it will be a good one. I'm not sure how to do it, but I'm going to try.
I'm going to start with trying to get a job (starting tomorrow). I think its perfect timing. Nobody else needs to understand that.

Thank you
mom- for everything lately. And for making 18th birthday a great one. I'm going to write you a very long letter soon.
Doyle- for coming over. I know you didn't have to. But I really appreciate it.
Donavon, Marsha, Nick, Nicole, Jason, Alex, Kenny, Grandma- for being there. Some of you know how much I needed that. thank you for the gifts. You're all amazing.

2009.

Turning 17. First birthday home in 3 years.
Doyle. My best friend and the guy I dated for nine months.
Show at Peabodys.
Kenny turning 14.
Nina. Its sad the way things turned out.
Blurry nights.
Trampoline with two girls.
Pirogi's with Nina and Chloe. Loooots of butter.
Deals in Massillon.
Coloring those velvet pictures.
Pretty underwear.
Mom.
Strange houses.
First love.
All of us switching clothes.
Weed. A new world.
Dad (biological). On and off. On and off.
May Fiesta after party with Miranda, Kelsey, Michelle, and Aaron Floom.
Massive body aches the next day.
Making love.
Coming home late.
Almost getting kicked out of the movie theater.
Donavon.
Parties.
Chris living with us for a few weeks.
Climbing the trees by your grandmas house.
You telling me you loved me in person for the first time.
June 5th. I'll never forget it.
Stealing.
Comforting the new kid.
Foggy conversations.
Cigarettes.
You trying to have sex with me.
Frozen cookies.
Foggy card games.
Awkwardly sleeping next to you.
Realizing who you really are.
Strange new faces.
Vicodin.
Laughing until I cried.
Show in Carolton.
Your grandma showing me your baby pictures.
Emptying my stomach.
Painting my room with Doyle and Kenny.
Remembering old times with Nina, Austin, Doyle and I.
Paint on your necklace, on my shoes, in our hair, and on my bed.
Being the most pale I've ever been. I thought I was dying.
Ding dong ditching like a little kid.
Random conversation with your friend. Him: "Are you hot?" Me: "I don't know. Ask my cousin." Cousin: "Yeah. Shes hot. All of my friends think shes hot too."
Hating myself.
Empty pool.
Sleeping on your floor. You made me a bed out of blankets.
Leaning against the shower wall for balance.
Mason and Aaron. Ashtabula. way more than a 3 hour drive.
Drifting off in the driveway.
Finding out that sleeping in cars is ridiculous.
Calling you to tell you happy birthday.
Foggy drive back.
Getting into a car wreck. We could have died.
X-rays.
Coffee from dad.
Not being able to breathe. Having the worst pain I've ever felt. Ruptured ovarian sist.
Ambulance ride.
Them giving me oxygen.
Being given a drug stronger than morphine. "Its kind of like being high."
Wanting to touch the doctors bald head.
Singing Three Little Birds by Bob Marley.
IV.
Wanting to call you. You were the only one I wanted to talk to.
You ripping your pants....several times.
Meeting Jason.
Hanging out with Alex again.
Donavon getting his truck.
Movie theater.
Kenny's facial hair.
Feeling insecure about myself more than ever.
Moms birthday.
Going to Clays Park with Marsha.
Barrel in the water.
Walking to the park by your house. So many great times there.
Worrying that I'm not good enough for you.
You telling me you liked me.
Dancing like crazy.
Nasty guys flirting with me.
Losing my bathing suit bottoms.
Attempting to dive.
Your grandmas basement.
Izzy attacking Chris.
Doyle being grounded for a month.
Dying my hair.
Us drawing with chalk.
The mustang. We were creative.
Crying and hiding it.
Mothers day.
Meeting Donavons girlfriend Angel.
Loving your curly hair.
You giving me flowers.
Texts from dad.
Fighting with Kayla for the last time.
Wishing my dad could meet you.
You leaving your choir concert to be with me.
Girls bathroom.
Getting caught.
Opening up to you.
Feeling you everywhere thats within arms reach.
Visiting Aunt Denise.
Cleaning your grandmas van.
Jumping into the pool with my clothes on.
Being with Chris Rossi, Ben, Parker, Nick, Ian, Doug.
Not being able to watch movies with you around.
Creepy older guys.
Trying to make it work with Nina again.
Dance party at my house.
Michael Jackson.
Us in my room. The Doors was playing.
Missing those impulses you have. Nobody else understands my impulses.
Broken necklace.
You holding me while I cried in your grandmas basement.
Outside of the movie theater.
Walking to the gas station.
Feeling like I couldn't help mom.
Meeting your parents.
Going to your soccer game.
You putting my phone down your pants.
Your mom putting makeup on me.
Being half naked in your car.
Shopping at Goodwill.
Listening to Michael Jackson.
Sharing something with Grandma and Aunt Denise.
Kissing you for the first time.
Scarfing down nasty McDonalds food.
You driving me home.
Kenny and I. Our relationship changing.
Rossi Halloween party.
Me dressing up as a doll. You as a gay guy.
Watching you dance.
AA meetings.
No more AA meetings.
Breaking up with Doyle.
Loving you forever.
Homecoming. I felt strange.
Seeing Amber, Nick, and Ryan. Seeing Brendan for the first time.
Crying.
Crying.
Crying.
Crying at school for the first time.
Breaking up with Nick for the second time in a month.
Taking the boombox around neighborhoods.
Becoming closer to Nicole.
Dads birthday. He would be 38.
Your mom and I cheering for you at your game.
Us trying to make brownies.
You asking me if I was over Doyle. I said, " Honestly, I don't know." Right after that, you asked me out. I said yes thinking why not.
First time hanging out with Adam.
Meeting Nate.
You are thee craziest driver.
Helping you and your family move things out of your house.
Watching your little cousins.
All three of us in our underwear.
Eating Lucky Charms.
Taking pictures.
Me being the only one that didn't sleep.
Feeling sorry for you and your family.
Having more stress between mom and I than there ever has been.
Getting on the roof.
Crying while walking home.
Wondering how you're doing.
Losing my keys somewhere in North Canton.
Laughing until I cried.
Hanging out with Michelle.
Back room filled with smoke.
Going to Taco Bell with Nick and Ian.
Abandoned house.
Spin the bottle.
Falling over bruising my knee.
Whipped cream fight.
Looking at me through the vent while I peed.
Making a big mistake.
Marks.
Waking up the next morning.
Crying while you held me. You're a great friend.
Many many late nights.
Talking in a southern accent.
Losing control.
Missing you.
Mat Stats. Being around sweaty guys wearing spandex. Ha.
Realizing how much of a great guy you both are.
Smacking you in the face. Not out of anger, but out of hurt.
Searching for you in the dark when it was pouring rain.
Relating to you.
Truth or dare.
Hanging out with Britany and Jenny.
Gagging while eating. I could not help it.
Being attracted to you because of one thing.
Comparing underwear and bras.
Exchanging stories about sex.
Telling mom I don't know what I'm doing.
Watching you talk, but not hearing you.
Mason May coming home.
Chris leaving the state.
Forgetting to eat.
You making me sick. Literally.
Driving with Aaron, Mason and Lauren.
Meeting the most amazing gay guy, Luke.
27 year old mexican guy hitting on me.
People walking in.
Kissing Jolynn Peck.
Seeing Chase Conley and some other Jackson people.
Racing to get home.
Mom calling.
Gaining respect for Jason.
You smacking me.
Losing weight.
Kenny saying those things.
Police.
Mom finding them.
Shaking so bad its hard to stand.
Someone threatening to shoot up the school.
Not knowing what is wrong with you.
Finding out who made that threat.
One by one by one by one.
Seeing little dots everywhere.
Puke. Lots of it.
Wanting to talk to you.
Rushing into things.
Losing my family.
Having a huge talk with mom.
My family members, mom and Jason telling me I'm too thin.
Feeling more exhausted than I've ever been.
Trying to have a friendship with Nick again.
I realized I can't tell my mom everything. Maybe its better that way.
Not getting invited to my baby cousins second birthday.
Making up my mind about dad. I don't want anything to do with him.
New Years Eve. Crying alone in my room right after the ball dropped.