Feeling.

last two days
I've never felt so alone. Completely alone. Lost.
no sleep friday. cleaned until saturday morning.
then something happened.
mom upset me. Then I started to cry. Something I haven't done in a while.
after I started crying, I couldn't stop. I literally cried for hours. that never happens to me.
i was getting mad at myself. each time I'd stop crying, i told myself I was done.
of course I cried again. by the end of the night, i felt like i cried everything out of me. i looked like it too.
i didn't know where I wanted to be. i didn't know what to do with myself.
i stared at my clock for hours. i had terrible thoughts going through my mind.
mom kept making me feel worse. i kept telling her to go away. at one point I told her that each time she said something I wanted to puke. i was done listening to her say anything.
In my mind, everything was over. I was done. I've never felt exactly like that before. not so intense.
couldn't find the tylenol pm pills that I've used a couple times to knock myself out.
"where are the tylenol sleeping pills?"
mom: "i put them up."
"give them to me, I need them."
Mom: "i'll give you one."
"no, give me the bottle so I can take them all."
she ended up throwing the bottle in my room later, telling me to go ahead and take them.
i didn't.
i called one person. let it ring twice, changed my mind, and hung up. called back. they weren't there. go figure.
saturday night.
i realized how hungry and sick i felt. i remembered i ate one thing since thursday night.
i go into the kitchen. as i open up ramen, it spilled out onto the floor.
i start to clean it up with a broom while crying.
mom comes in and asks me what im doing.
i told her i dropped it and I was cleaning it up.
she came over and took it from me, telling me she would do it.
i go into my room.
she came in a few minutes later asking me if i needed anything. she offered to go get me food or make me something. i shook my head no. then i said i'd go make pizza.
in the kitchen with mom. she helped me make pizza. i barely said anything because i didn't want to speak.
while eating, we watched tv. i can't even remember what it was.
i fell asleep on the chair.
i never want to feel like that again.

today.
im the same as i was on friday. nothing. numb. haven't cried at all.
everything is better this way.
i feel like yesterday didn't even happen. i don't know how it happened. i don't know why it happened. why cry like that all of the sudden?
today i thought: what if i had started to take the medicine i was prescribed to? She told me i would start to feel things again. is that what i would feel like? like that, whatever it was.

This morning.

Scared all night. Needed someone to be there.
Passed out around 5am.
Turned alarm off, went back to sleep.
Heard mom tell me to get up. Ignored her.
Home alone.
Stood up. Saw spots everywhere. Felt dizzy. About to pass out?
Deep breaths in order to feel like I'm getting enough air.
Heard my heart beating.
Hallway floor. Drank water. Ate what bread I thought I could keep down.
Weighed myself. 106 lbs.
Back in bed. Couldn't sleep. Remembered how much I hate being in a quiet room by myself.

Blur.

I see you every day. I know your name and what you look like.
The day after we have a serious talk, where you had my eyes tearing up, you don't look familiar to me. I try to think about the day before. I can't remember a lot of what you said and you look faceless. You're just a blur to me.
You asked me how I was doing without sounding like most people do. You know those people that ask you how you're doing just to say it and not listen to your answer? Well, you weren't like that. It caught me off guard. I hesitated and told you the truth. My answer: "I don't know."
You told me I could talk to you anytime I wanted. Right before I left I made myself smile and then I said "thank you" and really meant it. I remember thinking to myself: Thank you for the offer but I know that we'll never talk again because thats what I will choose to do.

appointment.

dizzy
throbbing head
eyes and mind can't focus on anything
need to puke
belly growling.need to eat?
heart racing
whole body shaking
scared
nervous
She asked me many personal questions.
Got prescribed some meds.
Now I realize that I made the decision in my head not to take those pills as soon as I left her office. Mostly because of this statement she made: "You will know when it starts to kick in. You will start to feel things again. So I want you to start talking to a counselor regularly."
No thank you. I'm not ready for that. Maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I'm not sure.

life is crazy.

march 8th. "even though he is younger, he is more responsible." taking risks. carrolton with britany. "I love you." puke. sharing clothes. you make me feel like shit. child support. wanting to walk to massillon, just because. cousin chris. weight. your warm body. fighting with mom. sun tan. picnic in your yard. waking up. that bike ride. "___. ___, I'm so sorry. Please help me. I'm sorry. Please hold me. I'm so sorry. I love you, ___." (<-- thinking of you at such a strange time. I swear I felt you hold me.) what will it take for you to realize how selfish you are? thinking: leave a note, leave the key, leave. riding in cars. new people. car windows, house windows. trying to comfort you. sharing some personal things with britany. rooftops. racing heart. your arms. walking everywhere. four wheeling. not caring. dizziness. pictures. cuts and bruises. dissapearing. worrying about you. people and their comments. what is reality? puke. jail. that old drawing: mom, dad, kenny, and i. dozing off. please don't forget about me. eyes rolling. dogs barking. road trip. biological father, you've been on my mind a lot lately.