strange.

Of course I had a dream about you last night.
In most of the dreams I have of you, I start to cry when I see you and I feel like its real.
Last night, you had a book of pictures in your house. They were of me, you, Kenny, and mom. I remember taking pictures of them and crying while doing it.
At the end of the dream, you left me and said, "I have to go get something for Kenny."

Ironic.

Left work.
I saw it coming at me.
I had time to think: I'm about to die now.
My body wasn't tense like you would expect it to be, but loose.
Then I was on the ground in the next lane.
My bike was under her car.
Stood up. In shock. I told the lady that hit me to back her car up off of my bike so I could leave. Thats what came out of my mouth. I'm not sure what was going through my mind.
Too much going on. I realize my bike, being my work transportation, will no longer be able to move. I hear some man talking on the phone to the cops. He asked me if I needed an ambulance. Thats when I decided to look and see if I was alright. Just a scraped up elbow, nothing big.
Kenny shows up next to me. I was still in shock. My body was shaking. Mom comes running down the street, no shoes on. She was crying. I kept telling her it was okay and that she needs to breathe.

Wow. It all went so fast. I could have died today. Lets do something crazy now.

The month of July.

Its the fourth year I've felt this in a row now.
Each day is getting closer to the end of this month.
It almost feels like the end of everything. Then it comes and I feel like I need to do something wild and crazy to keep it from my mind.
I was told to write you a letter. I can't get myself to do it. I can barely get myself to talk to you anymore. Especially now, when things in my life have drastically changed. Even though I feel like you somehow know about these things have changed in my life, Kennys, and moms, they are still hard to talk to you about.
As always, there is so much I want to say to you and so much I want to ask you.
I would trade anything to do either of those. I would give my life for one more day with you.
I don't mean for that to sound depressing or sad. It really has nothing to do with that.
Every day I think about how much I want these things. It seems like those feelings build up and get more intense every day.
I'm slowly changing my life right now. In a strange way, keeping you on my mind gives me hope of becoming that better person that I want to be.
I love you.

Baby brother.

I can never find a way to tell you exactly how much I love you. Hmmm....more than anyone, more than anything, even more than Hugh Laurie. :] Nobody will ever be able to replace you or even come close. You know things about me that some people don't know. I like that we only have really serious talks every once in a while, when needed. I think most of the time you understand whats going on without the serious talks we have anyway. Please remember to always have your own opinion of me, and not to listen to what other people say. You know me and except me for who I am, and that's all that matters. Always do what you think is right. You've seen a few people mess up their lives from making the wrong choices. Be the stronger person, live the way you want to, and be careful with where you choose to go in life. You'll do great things, I know it. You're Kenny.

Remember, I love you so much. Even if you throw food at me or laugh when I accidentally drink coffee with ants in it.