I want you to know.

I can't stand when people don't just tell me the truth. I don't care if the truth leaves me crying, please just tell me.
Is it that you've changed, or myself? Are you really too busy with everything else to spend time with me? Maybe we'll get over this, maybe not. I sure hope so. When I think about our past, I get hit with that emotion that I never want to feel. Thats regret. I wish things wouldn't have gone the way they did in the end.
We were fine. We both apologized. You we're the best girl friend I ever had. You cared about me more than any girl ever has. You were a true friend.
Now look at us. You told me that I never told you anything, that I held everything in. You're right. I was scared to tell you things. I wanted to make sure I knew who you were. I didn't want to get closer to you, then have you leave me.
I'm sorry I never told you anything. I've changed a lot in the last year. I want to tell you things. I WANT to let you in. But now...you're not giving me the chance.
Thank you though. Even though things have changed, you were the best girl friend I ever had.

I don't want to sleep on my bed, so I sleep on my floor. I don't know why.

I want to wear sweat pants and not jeans. I don't like the way my body looks. I don't tell mom that. She says, " I don't want you to wear sweat pants to school anymore. It reflects on me. It looks trashy." HAHA. How selfish is that? It reflects on you!? Since I was 10, everything you've done has relfected on me. People in Louisville knew who you were. They knew you were my mother. You were talked about all of the time. What did I do? I stood up for you. And besides, you should consider that maybe there is a reason I like to wear them.

I fall asleep in class every day. Not every class, but most of them. I try to stay awake. I really do.

I can't sleep at night. No matter what I do, I can't sleep through the whole night like a normal person. I should just stay up all night.

I forget everything. Its ridiculous. Homework. Tests. If I'm supposed to be in a different room for a class. To call people. Little things too.

I just lay there. I'm too exhausted to get up.

I cover up the circles under my eyes with makeup (when I can remember anyway.)

Your always on my mind. I'm so glad this happened.

I barely do my hair anymore. Or clean my room.

I want to call you but I'm too tired. Its not that I don't care about you. I care about you more than anyone I've dated or even liked before.

I can't help but think she doesn't like me anymore. Answer your phone. Or call me back when I call you. And when we make plans, keep them. Don't hang out with me as a last resort. I'm making it possible for myself to get hurt because I care about you. I've missed you. I want to make this work again. Your the best girl friend I ever had.

And you girl. Tell me the truth. I can't stop thinking that maybe your hiding something. Someone told me you didn't like me. Now I want to hear it from your mouth. Your not the person I thought you were.

I cry for no reason.


I want you to tell me why you aren't "very fond of me". I don't want to hear it from someone else. I never did anything to you. After all we've been through together...how could you forget about me like that? You know about the way people have treated me. But then you turn around and treat me the same way. Go ahead, care about your asshole boyfriend more than you care about me. He treats you like shit. When you guys split, don't come running back to me. Your so selfish.

Dear biological father,
I know you care about your girlfriend. You've shown me that. I know you care about her son. You've shown me that. I know you care about your birds. You've shown me that. I know you care about yourself. You've shown me that. I know you care about your car. You've shown me that. I know you care about the way I make you look. You've shown me that. I ask one thing of you. Show me how much you care about me.

I dread being in the house even more now.

I can't focus.

Fuck school.

I want mom to be happy. Her boyfriend seems pretty cool. It doesn't seem to me like he would put up with her shit. Either thats really good or really bad. Theres no in between with that.

Life.

There is just something really peaceful about being on the road, knowing that your going far away. Even if its just for a few hours.
I would rather be gone than at home. Its not that my home life is terrible or anything. Sometimes it gets stressful, but thats life. I want to go places. I want to try as much as I can. I don't want to waste my life.
I want to dance in the rain,
to go to parties,
to love and to be loved,
to drive out to nowhere,
to watch the sunset,
to sleep as little as possible,
to scream as loud as I can,
to be a teenager for as long as I can,
to appreciate little moments,
to know a lot of people,
to go with my impulses (not bad ones),
to be the one people need,
to travel the world,
to be civil with everyone,
to believe I deserve to be happy,
to live my life.

biological father.

It was almost dark. I decided to walk to the park to calm down and try to clear my head. At some point, calling you seemed like a good idea. I dialed your number with the intention of asking you if I could stay the night at your house. Then it hit me...what if he said no? I mean, he would probably word it differently. So I'd rather not ask you then get shot down. For a second, I thought that you might just maybe ask if I wanted you to pick me up to do something. I would have been happier if you asked if I wanted to stay the night, without me implying that I wanted to. But you didn't do either of these things. You didn't know it but I was crying when I was talking to you. I know I shouldn't be surprised. At least you said, " I hope you have a better day. I love you" before we hung up.
I think one of the worst feelings is realizing someone doesn't care about you when you want them to.