gujg';oikujy

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Why.Why.Why.Why.What if. What if.

I never get an answer.

People always say,"well, its the past now. Move on."
It's always there. It's part of you. It's who you are. Sometimes I think we can all move on from it. We will be alright. Will we? There is always something to remind you of it. It could be a nephew, a brother, a sister, a mom, a picture, a gift, a word, a smell, a look, a sound, a movie, a place, a car, a song, letters, a name, a touch, a cousin, a phrase, someones family. Then there are always these things that remind you. The first kiss, puberty, the first heartbreak, the first love, the first school dance, the first underage hangover, the eighteenth birthdays, the graduation, the twenty-first birthdays, the wedding, the grandchildren. Then there is Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, New Years, the fourth of July. Then there is the present. When you cry, you want them to be there to hold you and to tell you everything will be alright. When you want advice, there is no way you can get it. When there are questions you need answers to, there is no way to get them. When there are things that you need to say, there is no way to say them. I would give anything to take back some of the things that have happened to me and my family.
"Its the past now, move on." Its really not that easy. Like I said, it makes you who you are.
It bugs me when people say "move on" like its so easy. And I don't like when people say they "understand". It doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes, depending on the person, it actually upsets me. No matter what, you don't understand. Even if you've been in a similar situation, every situation is different. And people deal with their situations in different ways.
This is only part of what I wanted to write about the past being part of you. I don't want to write about it on here because its too personal. So thats all now.

it will be fine.

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It will be fine.

wine bottles. fluffy pink hat. dad. regret. candles. bath robe. guilt. sister. crying. skaking. you. bubble bath. alone. incense. crushed. what is "family" to you? nephews. disbelief. failure. sleepy time tea. cold washcloth. smeared makeup. thank you mom. bonding. trying to comfort this person. loss of motivation. pills. mini glass coke bottles. hiding. attraction. hard to breathe. lost friends. lost keys. the unknown. comfort. pool. appreciation. swollen eyes. who needs clothes? glow in the dark. intense selfishness. uncomfortable. mistakes & decisions. mistakes & decisions together. I don't know. barefoot on stage. michael jackson. I am sorry. dizziness. sex. vitamin water. heavy head. ap psychology. asians. hair extensions. kindness. wobbling limbs. weight loss. time loss. self loss. true friends. bagels. bra size. them hugging me. losing a parent. losing a friend. we're not alone. dreams. fuck it.

I cry for you.

I cry for you. For the things you don't know. For the things you have seen. For the things you cannot remember. For when you have your first love. For the hard decisions you will have to make. For the heartbreak you will feel. For the time you first take a drink. For the times you may just want to give up. For what you may experience. For the pain I have caused you. For who you have lost and who you will lose. For the nightmares you will have. For when you feel like you've lost yourself. For when you feel alone. For the guilt I hope you never feel.

I cry for you. For the things you have done. For what you have been through. For the worry you feel. For your inside struggle. For what you don't know. For what you will see. For what you have felt. For the tears you have cried. For the love you have lost. For the pain that I have caused you. For the time you have lost.

I cry for you. For the things you won't see. For what you can't touch. For the words you can't hear. For what you have been through. For the things you have done. For the steps that you took. For what I've done to you. For when you felt abandoned. For the ones you have lost. For the time you don't have. For the sickness you've felt. For when you felt lost.

Hey, You.

I've learned to really like this song :).

Thank you for being so amazing. For listening, and for being so honest. You were there when I needed to vent and get my thoughts straight. You and my mother were the only ones I felt like I could talk these last couple of months. Thank you for not treating me differently after you knew more about me. You didn't judge me. All you did was care.