I love just sitting around with people and talking about everything. Anything that comes to your mind. Life. People. Love. Religion.
Tonight I talked to someone about so many things. Just two people, being completely honest with each other and sharing opinions on things. We talked for almost two hours.
He said, " You're thoughtful, honest, and have a lot of fear." He said a few other things, but I can't remember. As soon as he said fear, my mouth dropped open. Hes right. And I've never had anyone say that to me. He also told me I should be a psychologist , which is strange, because that is exactly what I want to be.
Hurt. Trust. Mistakes. Lessons. We talked about all of these. We were talking about relationships in general. Then he looked at me, straight into my eyes and asked, "who hurt you?" I asked if he was talking about guys. He said yes. That got me thinking back a lot. Nobody has ever really hurt me. I mean, not anybody I dated. Sure, people I've dated hurt me, but nothing to extreme. Its only been people I was really close to. People I loved and trusted.

Fear. Wow. It took me a while to admit to myself that I was actually scared. Last year I realized that more than ever. I used to think that if I showed no emotion, I had none, and nobody could hurt me. I got so used to that. Then all of the sudden, I had to feel things. I was forced to. I'm not saying thats a bad thing. But it was really difficult. And nobody could understand how hard that was, except me. That was frustrating.
Anyway, this "cool dude" talked about friends. He said, "When your my age and still have a couple of friends you grew up with, consider yourself lucky." I understand that already. I've had people come in and out of my life, just like everyone else. And I know there are going to be many more friends to leave me. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that.

Brand new.

I'm done with this. I'm not going to keep telling myself I'm not good enough. I'm not going to keep putting myself down. I deserve to be happy. I do. I know I do.
I'm going to fix this. I'm not going to hold myself back anymore. And I'm letting go of anything thats going to stop me from doing that.
I'm going to live and be happy doing it.