appointment.

Pulling at my sweater, playing with my nails, playing with my hair, clearing my throat. Wrapping my arms around my stomach. Sick feeling.
My body was shaking and my voice kept giving out.
I didn't want to be there. I wanted to walk out.
Any personal question you can think of, he asked me.
Lump in my throat. Watering eyes.
"Do you ever have anxiety?" Yes.
"When?" Whenever people are talking about something personal (about me) and ______."
Telling myself: Don't puke, don't puke. Its almost over.
Set up appointments.
All done. I basically run out of there.
Waiting room. Old lady crying, another lady making chewing noises next to me, creepy guy staring at me. Sat in there for an hour and a half. So hungry that my stomach hurt. Wanting to puke but nothing would come up.
Sick, furious, exhausted.
I don't want to go back there.
At school. Out of it. Out of all people, thinking about you. Thinking about how I need you here, how I want you here, and how much you scare me.

Thoughts In Circles.

I'm so sorry.
Running my hands through my hair, it falls out.
Thinking, thinking, thinking of how we could have lost you too. "Do you want to be without a mother and a father?"
Heartbeat in my stomach.
Keep taking those deep breaths even though it hurts. Come on, don't give up.
Numb, but I know what I should have felt.
Stop it, don't cry.
Walk faster, move faster, don't stop. Dragging my body everywhere.
Don't give up too much information. Keep it locked up, only for you.
Feeling uncomfortable.
Run away, you're weak.
I wont allow it.
Bursts of intense feeling.
What you said rings in my head all of the time.
Go away.
Chest bones, hip bones, collar bone, ribs.
Uncontrollable zoning.
Puke.

Falling.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't focus on anything

but my heart racing, my throat hurting, and my eyes moving back and fourth while they're closed. Too hot, then too cold. Too silent, then too loud. I'm not going to be able to sleep again tonight. I wish I could tell you everything, just pour my heart out. I doubt it would help anything, but its always in the back of my mind. But honestly, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at the thought of opening my mouth and trying to speak. Where do I start? Where do I end?