6 months.

I've tried to think of a way to explain to you how you've made me feel. And how you've changed me. So here it goes...

I've let you in.
I've trusted you enough to share my deepest scars. My heart is vulnerable. You could easily hurt me if you wanted to. But I trust you not to.
I have made myself become used to pushing people away. It was easier than letting them in. They couldn't hurt me that way. I didn't realize that when I was pushing people I loved away from me, that it was actually hurting me more.
Then you came along. Sure, I've known you since 7th grade. But I never fully let you in until this year. I decided that you're worth the risk. :)
I don't regret anything about us.
I try hard to keep this relationship right. We talk about things. Not many people can do that. I don't lie to you. We trust eachother. That is one of the most important things.
I hear so many people complaining about their boyfriends or girlfriends. I just smile and remember that I have nothing to complain about.
I can't even begin to tell you how perfect you are for me.
Nobody else can have me. I am yours. I love you Alex Doyle.

Fathers Day

I used to be one of those kids that didn't think very much about Fathers Day. It was just another day, except you get dad a card and a gift. You're saying thank you for all of the things your father has done for you.
At 14, my whole thought process changed.
Now I know how lucky kids are to have their fathers. Some kids don't think its a big deal, just like I used to. But it is. It really is.
I do have a point to writing this. My point is...always make sure your parents know how much you love them. Fathers Day is a big deal. So is Mothers Day.

I always tell my mother I love her. Even if I'm mad at her. I hug her before I leave the house. I tell her I love her before I go to sleep. I hold my moms hand when we are out somewhere. I spend time with her. I say thank you. I tell her I'm sorry when I know I've done something wrong. I make sure she knows I love her. I tell her when I really appreciate something she has done.
Why? Because I know that I could lose her at any time, any day. I want everyone to realize that.
I wish I could make people realize that.
What if one of your parents died today? What would you want to change about the past?

Remember this:
There isn't much that is unforgivable. Your parents are going to make you angry. And your going to make them angry. Don't waste your time staying angry at them. You never know when they will leave you forever.

Everyone has a story.

There is always something bad that happens in everyones life. That is life. You just have to know how to deal with it. Some people can't handle it. They feel like they can't live with what has happened to them. Thats the biggest reason there are drug addicts and alcoholics. They use to drown out those feelings or memories.

There are things that have happened in my life that are hard to talk about and think about. I'm not one of those people that go out and tell everyone my story. It doesn't change that fact that it has happened if I tell everyone. Its just something I have to deal with. Its made me who I am.

I'm trying to let go. I'm always hearing about how life is difficult and you just have to stay strong. Of course older people tell me that. I'm 17. I'm just starting to live. What I do now is going to affect the rest of my life. Something bad is always going to happen. I can't forget about my past, thats impossible. So I have to move on. Its extremely difficult. I'm not even sure how to do it.

I need to start over. And I need help doing it. I used to be so stubborn. I thought I could do everything on my own. Heal on my own. I didn't need anyones help. But I do. And I know that now.

First I need to forgive some people. I've even thought about going to see one person. I haven't actually spoken to him in...wow, 5 years. I still don't care much for him, and I never will. But I think I need to see him and tell him that I forgive him. Not for him, but for myself. I need to see a few other people and tell them that too.

I also need to accept something. Accept what has happened. "Don't worry about something you can't change or control"

Something else I need to do is forgive myself. Thats too personal to write about though.

What if?

I was in a car accident on Wednesday the 17th. I was in the car with my grandparents and my ten year old cousin. Some older lady hit us from behind going the full speed limit (40 mph). At first I was mad at the lady because she could have really hurt my little cousin. Accidents happen though. We all ended up going to the hospital. They strapped us all on boards and put neck braces on us. My cousin was in the same ambulance with me. She was crying and was upset, which was expected. She had never been in a car accident, and neither had I. All of us had neck pain. My grandma and I had X-rays done. They ended up being fine. We all got prescribed pain medication.

The next day, I had thrown up four times. Mom took me to a different hospital. I had a CT scan done. Nothing was wrong. He told us that I had a trauma headache and vertigo. Vertigo makes you unable to balance. It is caused by whiplash. So I got prescribed a different medication and was sent home.

Everything happens for a reason, right? This accident could have been much worse and any of us could have died. For me, this accident reminded me that anyone I know could die any day. Any time. That is one of the scariest things. As mom was driving me home from the hospital the day of the accident, it hit me then. I could have died today. That night, I prayed for the first time in a long time.

Thank you for keeping us all safe today. Thank you for watching over us. Thank you for leaving my brother with a sister and my mother with a daughter.

Experience.

It was nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would quiet and boring. It was just the opposite. We were all standing outside of the building, waiting to get in. There were all different kinds of different people. Different styles and different races. All different ages too. But they were all there for the same reason. They all wanted to know they weren't alone. They all wanted to be reminded of why they had changed their ways.
We got inside and found somewhere to sit. There were two floors. Chairs on the bottom floor and bleachers on the second. Every space was filled with people. I watched people walk in and greet other people. I've never shook so many hands before. By the end of the night, I've never had so much respect for so many people. They all amazed me. They all had so much strength. They were all standing there, sober. At some point in their lives, there came a point to where they knew they had to change. Alcoholics are living proof that in order to change, you have to want to change yourself. Nobody can make you change. You hear stories of how alcoholics abuse their children, wives, and even husbands. Or how they get into a car accident and kill people. Even that sometimes isn't enough to open their eyes and make them change. It takes a miracle.
To be in that room, with all of these people, made me sad and just completely amazed. At certain points in this mans speech, everyone around me recited lines that they knew. They were all so dedicated to changing their lives. I'm sure some of them had put all they had into changing. I didn't have to know them to be proud of every single one of them.